Chirky

It's been over a year since I've publicly aired any of the feedback I get on this site and, frankly, I don't know why I've waited so long. I often get precious gems from crabby people who take the time to sit down and write me, and it seems like a disservice to my readers that I don't divulge these trinkets more frequently.

I seldom have the opportunity to respond to the feedback because most people don't have the nerve to leave an email address. That is why a particular remark left on this site yesterday was so appealing to me. The comment was in response to an entry I wrote about the Texas Snakeman. I recommend that you read my thoughts on the Snakeman for context, and also to see a really unpleasant image of a man who purposefully dangled ten rattlesnakes from his maw.

From Steven:

I know Mr. Bibby personally and for you to sit here and act all high and mighty is such a load of crap. You act as if he is truely harming the snakes. I guess you have never harmed anything in your life, well I call BS. I bet you have done more harm to any living creature than Mr. Bibby has to any of those snakes. Get off your high horse before you fall and break your neck.

Whoa there, cowboy.

When I saw that Steven left his email address, I found the REPLY button irresistible:

Hi Steven,

I appreciate that you took the time to leave a comment on my site. Please know that I had no intention to offend you or the integrity of Mr. Bibby's pursuits, and that the entry you read was merely my exaggerated opinion (as is often found on my site).

I don't at all think that he was harming the snakes; in fact, I'm quite certain that he was very careful in his handling of them. And you're right about one thing: I am also certain I've done more harm to a living creature than Mr. Bibby did to those snakes. To wit: just last night a mosquito landed on my arm and I killed it! I doubt that Mr. Bibby killed any of the snakes that were hanging from his mouth.

Still, that last sentence completely rattles me (forgive the pun, I couldn't resist), which is obviously why I wrote the entry in the first place.

Dismounting,
Jes

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To: Roger
Fr: Jes
This just sounds ridiculously cool.
And a little like I might need a barf bag.
Wanna go?
BodyWorlds Exhibit


To: Jes
Fr: Roger
The coolest thing about it is that it is REAL PEOPLE.
I wonder if it's death row inmates or something...


To: Roger
Fr: Jes
Ooooooh. Death row. You think?
Would we see where they were injected?
Or maybe a fried organ?
"I'd like fried pancreas with garlic butter, please."

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Sweetie,

My brain has stopped functioning. It resigned on Tuesday. I shall resign with it, and go home to join the Peace Corps.

originally uploaded by Joe Lam

I will miss you these next two years, but I am certain that you will live in a very clean house without me, and will probably cry when I come home. Not because you are glad to see me, but because your freedom to buy Legos and wander around in your boxers will have been torn from you by my very presence.

Perhaps you can come visit me in China, where we will ring our bicycle bells and learn to plant rice.

Love,
Jes

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I have never aired my hatemail on this site before, though I get plenty of it. Primarily by the brain-washed viewers of THE ANDY MILONAKIS SHOW. Admittedly, I have a distaste for this show: I just think it's ignorant, and frankly, Andy's voice makes me want to climb walls and shoot the ammo from paintball guns into my ears.

Still, I generally keep my opinions to myself, and by "to myself" I mean that I have a blog in which I write about my distaste for Andy, but I haven't bothered to widely publish the site, and so it is sort of like keeping my opinions to myself.

Continue reading "Top Eight Observations of Hatemail from Madison, Wisconsin" »

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Dear Apartment Complex Staff,

Hello! I don't swing by often enough to bring you homemade chocolate chip cookies and bouquets of fresh-picked flowers! Please excuse my insensitivity! But the walk from my apartment to your leasing office is much too far for my lazy legs to carry me more often than the first of every month.

I really enjoy how quiet the neighborhood is - how I rarely hear police sirens or the bass of a 1986 Olds driving through the streets. And how, even though the maintenance workers begin cutting grass outside my window at 7am, which I am quiet certain is illegal, or should be, the staff are all so friendly! The groundskeeper even came by and sprinkled kitty litter on our steps when we mentioned that they were icy! How thoughtful! And for the next two weeks, our porch had that distinctive, pungent herbal scent that lingered in the air like a prostitute on Harry Hines Boulevard. Thank you.

Continue reading "What did Isaac Newton say? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction? Except in this case, maybe my reaction isn't as forceful as it should be." »

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Dear Courtney, aka Celebrate We Will, aka Friendster User, which really, is not so friendly and which really, really makes me feel green and hairy with fake eyeballs and a felt mouth that has no throat and which is very much like Oscar the Grouch, or, in my case, Grungetta Grunge:

I am annoyed. I cannot tell you the number of times I have visited your blog and wanted to leave a comment. And do you know what happens? NO? LET ME TELL YOU.

I read your entry and then click "Comments." Friendster won't let me post a comment unless I sign in. DID YOU KNOW THAT I CREATED A FRIENDSTER ACCOUNT JUST SO I COULD COMMENT ON YOUR SITE? AND THAT I DID IT IN ALL CAPS? Well, I did.

So I sign in. And, ... what? That should be the end, but I'll continue.

* * *

What now? Now I am looking at a page that shows my profile and explains how I can invite people to be my friends and how I can create birthday reminders, BUT NOT HOW I CAN VISIT BLOGS. Finally, I found and clicked on the tab titled, "Blogs." It seemed so simple. But, HA!

All I can do now is read people's blogs, and even then it's only those blogs that are "Featured Blogs." And yours hasn't been submitted to that very short list, which means that I have to go back into my Favorites and go back to your site, since I am now all fresh and signed-in and ready to comment.

Except I can't, because BEFORE I CAN COMMENT I HAVE TO SIGN IN. So I click on the link to sign in AGAIN and I specifically make sure that I check the "Remember Me" box, because perhaps THAT is the reason that I can't function on Friendster.

Then I go back into my Favorites and go back to your site and click "Comments" and do you know what happens?

IT ASKS ME TO SIGN IN BEFORE I POST A COMMENT.

Are we noticing a pattern here? Is this a Mensa test?

Lovingly,
Jes

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Dear Katie,

JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T ANSWER MY PHONE WHEN YOU CALLED, IT DOESN'T MEAN I WAS SCREENING YOU.

Please. Stop. Go back. Did you read that first sentence? Yes?

READ IT AGAIN.

I was at a work holiday party last night, and didn't think it appropriate to answer my phone while sitting at a four-star restaurant with a table full of executives, which is why I turned my ringer off.

It's nothing personal, really, because I didn't answer anyone's calls. And you were only calling because you were bored while you were driving. Perhaps if you had a severed your jugular vein, I would have answered, or at the very least I would have checked my voicemail and returned the call. But if that was the case, I have a feeling you wouldn't be calling ME.

I am sure you understand.

Love,
Jes

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