Parental Control
March 16, 2010
Roger and I were on a walk with Rayah this evening when we came upon a father kneeled down with his child. At first it appeared as though the child was hurt, and he was consoling her. As we came closer, we heard her crying and pleading with him - whatever it was, she made sure he knew she wasn't going to do it again. Then he started yelling at her. Screaming. SCREAMING.
My neck coiled and my eyebrows shot up. As we were (slowly) walking past, I turned around to look at them. He had his daughter -- she was maybe three years old -- pinned to the ground, in a sort of headlock, while he hovered over her and screamed at her about cars driving down the road. (This was on a walking path in our neighborhood park, bordered on one side by a residential street and on the other side by a creek.) The child's mother stood there, cross-armed, observing. The little girl's face was red and marked with tears. And this father - this father was so oblivious to anything around him, and screaming at her so forcefully, that it seemed abusive to me. He was frightening. The situation was so disturbing that *I* started crying. You guys! I started crying.
Now, full disclosure: I didn't understand the context of the discipline. Had she gotten too near the street (about six feet away) when a car was driving by? Had she been disobedient the first couple times her father asked her to move away from the street? I don't know. But I do know that this man was scary. And angry. He was belittling and intimidating his daughter. I have no patience for that. I wanted to rescue that little girl!
Roger and I quietly discussed whether we should do anything. We stopped and (covertly) watched, waiting to see if he would harm his daughter. We wondered at what point it would be appropriate to step in. In the end, we only watched them. I dried my eyes. The father eventually stopped, they marched past us on their way home, the little girl clinging to her mother's side, as far from her father as she could get. I turned to Roger and said, "I never want to treat our children like that." He had her pinned to the ground in a headlock. She was THREE.
And now I can't get that scene out of my mind - the dad hunkered down, trumpeting his temper; the mom passively standing by; the little girl, back arched, bawling, twisting her wet face from her father's.
I get that every parent has different discipline styles. I understand that I don't know the full story. But I also know that something isn't sitting right in my heart, and even though that family is long-gone, I'm curious: At what point do you step in? Or do you? How do you know when? And what should that look like?
Comments
As someone who grew up with parents who were both like that father, I know for a fact doesn't teach anything. It only frightens the child, so it is a never ending circle of fear when you are going to make them mad. I am going to state though as I got older, only my mother tried this tactic and all it got her was more attitude.
Posted by: Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? | March 17, 2010 12:05 AM
Whether or not you agree with the discipline style, it's not your place to step in. You can call the police if you see real abuse, or you can talk to them if you know the people. But if you see people you don't know, my feeling is you should stay out of it. Unless it's clear and obvious abuse. Trust me, you NEVER know the whole story. Actually, even if you know the people, you probably don't know the whole story. Also, I wouldn't get involved during the situation (unless there's danger) - talk to them afterwards, out of earshot of the child.
Posted by: Lia | March 17, 2010 10:25 AM
You don't step in unless there is real physical abuse happening. You do not. It is not your place, and as Lia said, you don't know the whole story. If you see real abuse - and I mean real *physical* abuse - then you call the police.
I'm not discounting or excusing what the father did -- it's not my style, and would horrify me as well -- but at the very least, I know that every parent has horribly off days where they do something awful and frightening to their child -- they yell too loudly, they tell them to shut up, they get frustrated too easily. I haven't experienced it myself yet, but frankly my kid is too little and doesn't DO anything yet. Seeing a one-off situation does not mean that's how it always is, and jumping in is not the right thing to do.
That being said, my dad stepped in once, when a mom was hitting her kid, and it was really ugly and really scary. Her husband appeared, they tried to follow us home and ... yeah.
You don't step in.
Posted by: jonniker | March 17, 2010 10:31 AM
I'm not excusing what that father did, or the fact that the mother stood by and just watched, but I know I've heard parents say that there are times where their child has done something that terrified them to the point of overreacting. Again, this doesnt excuse what he did, but I think he was probably terrified of losing her and simply reacted rather than thinking before reacting.
Posted by: Lisa | March 17, 2010 10:18 PM
Not sure what I would have done and you and I already talked about this (sort of). But, I certainly don't agree with what has been commented so far. If it were a man yelling and holding down a woman, would it change the response of these who have commented? Somehow children are seen as property and adults think it's okay to bully them simply because they are small and helpless. The situation is sickening and uncalled for, I just don't know what recourse there really is in such a situation.
Posted by: Erica | March 18, 2010 12:26 AM
Wow. I'm sorry you had to witness that. That would have disturbed me as well, and I'm sure I would have started crying too - and I'm not even a mother.
Posted by: Allison | March 19, 2010 11:23 AM
i am a parent (and previously a step parent in a very difficult situation w a difficult child) and understand both sides.
i did not want to originally comment because i did not believe i would have anything helpful to offer. perhaps just a little insight.
i can recall vividly overreacting w my step son. he was a toddler and my son an infant (who screamed instead of sleeping) and was at the end of my wits every single moment. i had no help.
i can not now recall what my step son did but i recall how i reacted as though it just happened. i grabbed his arm and was yelling at him and he just looked at me.... he was scared. i am not proud of this but can tell you i never hurt or hit or abused this child in any manner. when the look in his eyes registered, i walked away and shut the door behind me to calm down.
parents overreact. we are human. this is not an excuse. merely a fact.
there are times i have yelled too loudly at my son.... and i have apologized. i am not a perfect parent and that is ok because none of us are.
for those with very small children, you have not yet really been tested but you will see that there are times you wish you could take back.
i cant imagine what this girl did to call for such a reaction from her father but stepping in is not called for unless the child is in immediate danger. otherwise, call the police and remain in the area until they arrive.
Posted by: Willow | March 23, 2010 08:49 AM
Trust me, you NEVER know the whole story. Actually, even if you know the people, you probably don't know the whole story. Also, I wouldn't get involved during the situation (unless there's danger) - talk to them afterwards, out of earshot of the child.
Posted by: Jack | March 30, 2010 06:52 AM
I am the parent of two children, one with special needs who is fearless and a runner, who have both done things that have scared ten years off my life (and my husband's). I have never ever been physically violent with them, so the excuse that "he was so scared he overreacted" rings hollow to me. Overreacting is yelling too loud or too long, not pinning your child to the ground and screaming in her face.
I would never get personally involved because there is something wrong with people who act like that. If they're willing to treat their children like that then what will they do to you? I have called 911 about domestic violence situations before and I would do it again. I probably would have called 911 in that situation because again, there is something wrong with people who will act like that in public. What does he do to her at home where people can't see? I agree with Erica: if it had been a man holding down a woman the responses wouldn't be nearly so ambiguous.
Posted by: Jessica | March 30, 2010 01:18 PM