Chirky

I recently installed Google Analytics on my site, and I have to tell you: I am not impressed. Maybe it is because I'm no longer writing daily entries (shame on me, I know), or maybe it is because these extended, unannounced absences are really taking that big of a toll on this site, but there has been a noticeable drop in my stats lately. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not really one to watch my stats all that much. I'll pop in maybe once a month, just to see what's going on, but I really just don't have time to research it, as horrible as that may be considering that I work for a blogging community. And my entire job revolves around blogs. You'd think I'd take all of the knowledge and expertise I've picked up around these circles and at these conferences and implement it. I mean, what's the purpose of going to all these seminars about building traffic and writing better if I don't actually do it, you know?

Anyway, so I recently installed Google Analytics on my site, and I really actually kind of hate it. Not because it doesn't do the job - it's just that it does its job a little too well. I've been used to statcounter.com for the past four-and-one-half years. Statcounter is like that best friend that tells you that you look great in that low-cut dress, you know the one, even if it is two sizes too small. It inflates your pride a little, is what I'm saying, or it does mine, anyhow, and massages your shoulders while smugly handing you a champagne flute and encouraging you to toast your success.

Google Analytics, on the other hand, is like that best friend who is always maybe a little too honest. It's the friend who tells you that your size 6 pencil skirt should really be a size 10, and that you've got rolls and bulges where you never knew they existed. It hands your pride to you on a platter, flaws exposed, gruffly suggesting that you should eat a breath mint before exhaling within a five-foot radius of its delicate nostrils, and would you mind changing from that bulky seafoam sweater to a plum cashmere v-neck? It'd really enhance your complexion. And your figure.

All that to say, I kind of miss statcounter, with all its flawed, beefy reports and gentle, pride-soothing numbers. Which possibly means that I don't care all too much when you lie to me, as long as you can make it sound believable. So I'm thinking it would be a good idea if Google Analytics could create two buttons for search results. The first would generate reports as it currently does. The second would offer just a little massage, just a little champagne, a space that is just a little pull away from reality. And that space, I've found, is exactly where I want to live.

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Confession: I judge restaurants, hotels, parties -- even my friends -- by the fork I'm given.

If it's heavy, clean and has curved edges, I have an inkling that the food will be good. If it's tinny and has sharp sides -- the kind that threaten to cut my skin when I turn my fork on its side -- I approach the meal with more caution. Because if you can't pick out good cutlery, how can I trust your skills in the kitchen?

Moral of the story? Invest in the good stuff. It makes you look like you know what you're doing, even if you don't.

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When I confessed I gave up chocolate for two-and-a-half years, I didn't mention that my abstinence totally changed the way I consume chocolate. That is, I can't eat it straight. This baffles my husband, who considers a handful of chocolate chips as dessert. To me, eating plain chocolate is like taking a shot of Jack and letting it swirl around your tongue for five minutes before you get around to swallowing it. It's just too much, too intense, too startlingly pure.

So when BlogHer and M&M's Premiums contacted me to review their new candies, I knew two things: One, despite my distaste for plain chocolate, I love regular M&M's. The outer shell is just crunchy enough to break up the plain chocolate, and I figured if I liked the fancy version as much as the original, it would totally be worth the taste-test (they didn't exactly have to twist my arm, you see). Two, when I received the box full of all the new M&M's Premiums flavors, I realized that my taste buds were in a heap of trouble, and I better employ the help of several friends (it pays (in morsels of chocolate) to be my friend).

And, since I consider you my friend, I'm giving away even more M&M's Premiums to a lucky winner. All you have to do is answer one simple question.

Click here to watch the video and enter the contest!

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