Chirky: How to Sabotage Your Diet in Five Simple Steps

Just in time for the holidays and those family portraits you'll be taking this weekend, I'm bringing you a helpful list of Things To Do To Sabotage Your Diet. For your convenience, I carefully researched each item on this list. You're welcome!

1. When you're home alone, bake cookies, make rice krispies or buy some ice cream (preferably chocolate-flavored, please). This way you can eat it all yourself. Yes, you will get sick. But at least there will be no evidence.

2. Spend a cumulative two hours throughout the day thinking about exercising, but never actually do it. Lie down and watch a movie instead!

3. Take several pictures of yourself with your new iPhone. Get depressed about how chubby your cheeks look in those pictures. Go ahead, eat that bag of chips. They'll make you feel better. It's the camera's angle, darling, not you.

4. What? You're cold? It probably has nothing to do with your slow metabolism. Instead, crank up the heat and make yourself some hot chocolate. Since the cocoa is sugar-free, it's okay to add those extra marshmallows. In fact, fill the cup 2/3 full of hot cocoa and 1/3 full of mini-marshmallows. It's the perfect ratio, trust me.

5. Listen, I understand that your arms feel like cashmere-wrapped sausages and that you can feel your chin(s) folding over every time you look down. But you haven't gained an ounce. It's just that your dryer runs a little too hot - it shrank your sleeves! And your chin? Just extend your neck a tad more. No one will notice.

Comments

So I'm doing everything right. Good to know!

Posted by: Average Jane | December 3, 2008 07:31 AM

I think I'm starting to get into this mindset.

Posted by: Lia | December 3, 2008 07:44 AM

I'm totally down for thinking about exercising, but not actually doing it.

Miss you sweetie.

Posted by: Lisa | December 3, 2008 08:54 PM

Good to see you while I was home.

Posted by: Jimmy | December 3, 2008 09:12 PM

Hey, I am dieting AGAIN through these holidays. I've got a trip to Kentucky on Christmas Day and that 5 days will be filled with NON-STOP eating. I'm serious, I'll be in the shower feasting on cheese and crackers and probably swilling a milkshake while sitting on the pot. It will be insane and since most of my pants don't fit me right now, I've decided to be slightly preemptive and watch my carb intake until my Christmas Party on the 13th and then again after the party until Christmas Day. I think I can lose 20 pounds before going to visit Joe and that will allow me to put on 10 while I am there and still have a head start on my New Year's Resolutions. Today is day 5 of this diet and so far so good, but my scale at home is broke and so I have no idea how much I weighed to start with so who knows if this diet is working? What it is doing is keeping me from gorging on all things Holiday and I keep telling myself, "You get to eat at your party, you get to eat on the 13th!"

So yeah, be ready for my party on the 13th and I was also wondering if you could whip up one of your fantastic appetizers when you come over, no obligation, but you are really talented in the food department and that would be nice, that or a dessert... but I only ask because I know you are good and I only want really awesome food at my party - but no pressure...

Posted by: eddeaux | December 4, 2008 01:27 PM

Finally, a list that has items that I can cross off!!! All 5 of them! I feel so accomplished!

Posted by: TUWABVB | December 4, 2008 04:48 PM

New iPhone? WHaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Guess I'll take back the one I got you for Christmas...
Sike!

Posted by: Binky | December 5, 2008 08:03 PM

For the hot cocoa::::I have been adding Nuetella..AND spreading it on some gourmet chocolate chip cookies....Perfect concoction...Nuetella is God's gift to us who are on the true path of holiday discourse.

Posted by: MamaInStiletto | December 7, 2008 10:25 AM

I think you're on to something here...

Posted by: TKling | December 10, 2008 10:53 PM

Okay. I think I know what I've been doing wrong. I've actully been doing the exercise. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

Posted by: kel | December 17, 2008 11:28 PM