Chirky

For the past many years I have ignored making resolutions, mostly because I know that within a couple weeks (or days, or hours) I will have already abandoned whatever proclamation I've made. Until last year.

Last year I resolved to Get Out More, to do and try more things, to explore new areas of Dallas. Then Roger and I bought a house, and started remodeling, and on top of that we both made new career moves. While the year has been full of change for us, it hasn't been full of exploration. So I'm planning a Resolution Rollover, and adopting last year's plan to 2009. I can do that, can't I? But that's not my only plan.

I'm making a second promise to myself: to get more organized. This is kind of a shoo-in, because Roger and I just finished designing our closets and will soon have walnut and platinum storage systems lining our closet walls. For the past few days I have been near-drooling over the upcoming installation, and this is why:

We have two closets in the master bedroom, and this is the first closet. The second will have drawers and shelving, which will completely eliminate our need for our collective three (three!) dressers and armoires. And maybe that is what I'm most excited about: my evil plan to eradicate all extra furniture. So minimalist! Clean lines! Be still my heart; thou hast known no better than this.

And so while I'm organizing my home and exploring my neighborhood, I'm curious to know what you'll be doing. Have you made any New Year Resolutions?

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A couple days ago, my friend Bianca detailed the contents of her purse -- if you can even call it that, since it's more like a tote bag -- and I couldn't believe how LONG the list was. Now, in all fairness, I've known Bianca a long time. We were roommates in college, and she's more like a sister to me than anything else. I know her weakness for toting stuff around. And while she was busy filling up her bags, I was always busy taking stuff out of mine. I'm constantly cleaning it out, usually because I like to switch between bags. Often.

After reading her list, it made me wonder what I was carrying around. Compared to her, not much.

• hand cream
• my wallet, with a smear of paint (paint!) from our (ongoing) Great House Painting of 2008
• gym card with ID
• sunglasses
• iPhone
• CO Bigelow Vitamin Mentha glittery lip balm in Glacial Mint
• MAC Lustreglass in Venetian
• LipSlicks in Daring
• LipSlicks in Hipster
• MaryKay lipstick in Cinnamon Twist (favorite winter color, now discontinued)
• Extra gum in Polar Ice
• keys
• fingernail file
• $12
• assortment of coins
• random paintbrush, used once, now I don't know what to do with it (though oddly, I'm still switching it between purses)
• miniature roll of tape (just in case, you know)
• lone earring, its pair presumably lost
• coin purse from Thailand, now re-purposed for carrying business cards

Aside from the last few items, I'd say I'm doing pretty well on keeping my purse on a diet. Now only if I could say the same for myself...

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For the past three nights, I have been very focused on practicing The Side Sleep. I've taken a diagram (very helpful indeed, TUWABVB), your comments and your emails to bed with me. (Uhhh, it's not quite how it sounds.) And you know what? I think it's helping. But what do you do about the thumping? Because I can't quite get past that.

Do you know what I mean? The thumping you can hear, except maybe it's more like swishing? Am I the only one that gets annoyed that I can hear my heart beating through my ear? Like a seashell? EXCEPT LOUDER?

And then, inevitably, I start thinking about oatmeal. I'm either thinking about it because it's what I associate with a healthy heart (I don't know, whatever, but it's always Quaker Oats and never the instant, pre-packaged stuff), or I'm thinking about it because it's what I know I think about when I'm associating a healthy heart with something, and the fact that I'm NOT thinking about it drives me to think about it.

And so I'm lying in bed at night thinking about breakfast, except I rarely even eat oatmeal for breakfast, which makes me think about things I'd rather be eating, and before you know it I can feel my mouth start to water as visions of, well you know. Visions of foodstuffs are dancing in my head.

Anyway, this is a real problem because I'm supposed to be sleeping. Side-sleeping, at that. And sorry, but I can't be the only one dealing with that deafening rhythm drumming, drumming, drumming.

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For the past few nights, I've been troubled by something. Something kind of embarrassing, considering that I've been doing it for 30 years now: lying down to sleep. How could I forget how to lie down?

I can only fall asleep if I am flat on my back, head tilted to the side – but not too far, I don't want my neck to be sore – hair covering my out-turned ear (to keep it warm, obviously). There is nothing more comfortable to me than sprawling out flat, staring up at the ceiling, legs and arms flung this way and that. Of course, there's also my husband to consider. And how my legs and arms sometimes find themselves jamming into his ribs and calves. And how he kind of dislikes that.

Sleeping on my stomach is totally out – that's just way too uncomfortable. My bottom sticks out weird, and the only way I can manage to lie on my stomach is to shove a pillow under my abs for support. Call it sway back, call it my ghetto bootie, call it whatever you want. I'm simply incapable of stomach-sleeping.

So lately I've been trying to learn how to sleep on my side. I used to be a side-sleeper exclusively, and perhaps that is why I am so perplexed about my sudden inability to stay still once in position. For one, my spine feels all twisty and weird, so I spend a considerable amount of time trying to straighten myself out. This leads to bending and un-bending and re-bending my legs (I've even tried putting a pillow between my knees, to no avail), adjusting my body's angle, then flopping to my other side and trying again.

Second, and most importantly, what am I supposed to do with my bottom arm? Do I extend it out beyond my head? That works only so long before my wrist starts to go numb. Bend my arm into a V shape to cradle my head? After a while my shoulder falls asleep, but I usually can't stay that way for long before I start bending my legs again. Align my arm under my body? Then I just want to detach it, the way I used to, umm, adjust my Barbies.

I'm really at a loss here. Do you sleep on your side? How do you manage? Can you come to my house and demonstrate? I think I need lessons.

(Or maybe I just need to flop over onto my back again. It's what works, afterall.)

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Just in time for the holidays and those family portraits you'll be taking this weekend, I'm bringing you a helpful list of Things To Do To Sabotage Your Diet. For your convenience, I carefully researched each item on this list. You're welcome!

1. When you're home alone, bake cookies, make rice krispies or buy some ice cream (preferably chocolate-flavored, please). This way you can eat it all yourself. Yes, you will get sick. But at least there will be no evidence.

2. Spend a cumulative two hours throughout the day thinking about exercising, but never actually do it. Lie down and watch a movie instead!

3. Take several pictures of yourself with your new iPhone. Get depressed about how chubby your cheeks look in those pictures. Go ahead, eat that bag of chips. They'll make you feel better. It's the camera's angle, darling, not you.

4. What? You're cold? It probably has nothing to do with your slow metabolism. Instead, crank up the heat and make yourself some hot chocolate. Since the cocoa is sugar-free, it's okay to add those extra marshmallows. In fact, fill the cup 2/3 full of hot cocoa and 1/3 full of mini-marshmallows. It's the perfect ratio, trust me.

5. Listen, I understand that your arms feel like cashmere-wrapped sausages and that you can feel your chin(s) folding over every time you look down. But you haven't gained an ounce. It's just that your dryer runs a little too hot - it shrank your sleeves! And your chin? Just extend your neck a tad more. No one will notice.

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