Everything I Know I Learned From Seventeen Magazine
August 13, 2007
The thing about reading magazine beauty articles is that they give you just enough information to make you dangerous, and the next thing you know, you’re spouting that information out in public, in school, no less, as if you’re an expert on ingrown nails. A seventh-grade expert with frizzy hair and tightly rolled jean cuffs.
It’s true, and my seventh-grade crush was the beneficiary of my vast podiatric knowledge. I recognized his cry for help – he was begging for my expertise, mind you, it’s not like I just vomited it on him – when he mentioned within earshot of me that he thought he might have an ingrown toenail. For the record, I did consider for a moment that perhaps I shouldn’t say anything, that perhaps I shouldn’t tell him my theories on ingrown toenails, but then I realized that it wasn’t so much my theory as it was Seventeen magazine’s theory, and if it was written in Seventeen, it was practically the gospel. So I told him, and as soon as the words escaped my lips, I knew I probably should have just kept it to myself. It kind of sealed the fate of our future, or the lack thereof, and he kind of hated me for the next five years. We graduated high school and never spoke again, and I’m quite sure he’s never forgotten what I said since I have never forgotten:
“You know, people get ingrown toenails when they wear
dirty socks.”
I wasn’t trying to imply that his socks were dirty. That would be blasphemous. After all, he was the best dressed guy in our grade, with soft, curly hair and cute little dimples that melted into his face when he spoke. I only meant that it’s the reason some people got ingrown toenails. His reasons were altogether different, I’m sure, I just never had the chance to find out how. Until recently.
Three weeks ago, I decided to get a pedicure. I’m kind of obsessed with having short toenails – those long ones capable of opening beer cans sort of freak me out – so before I went, I clipped my overdue toenails to an appropriate length. Granted, my overdue toenails are probably the equivalent of the general population’s preferred length, but I think there’s something to be said for meticulous, careful grooming.
I arrived at the salon, cozied myself into the pleather chair and hung my feet in the warm, soapy water. I watched as Jenny, my technician, organized her supplies and draped a towel across the edge of the foot spa. She gently lifted my right foot from the bath, inspected it for a few seconds and then looked up at me: “Did you cut these yourself?”
Proudly, I admitted that I did. I didn’t feel ashamed – not one bit – until she admonished me: “Don’t ever do that again. Never. Never this short.” She tried to file them, but there really wasn’t that much to file. I offered a nervous giggle and agreed to never cut them that short again, but the damage was done. I figured they would be freakishly (for me) long again in just a few weeks, and then I’d hand over the pedi-reigns to Jenny for the rest of the summer. That was my plan, anyway.
And then it started to hurt when I walked for long periods of time, like something was constantly poking my toe. I told Roger, and he helpfully suggested that I shove cotton under what was left of my toenails. I agreed, and spent a week with little bits of cotton trying to escape for a breath of fresh air every time I took off my heels.
When the pain didn’t subside the following week, I figured that I just needed more cotton. So I kept changing the little tufts out to prevent the sides of my toenail from digging into my skin. Then, yesterday, I looked at my toe. I mean, I didn’t just look at it. I inspected it.
It wasn’t possible that I had an ingrown toenail, I reasoned, because I don’t wear dirty socks. I rarely ever wear socks, unless I’m going to exercise, and even then I only wear them for two or three hours max. So an ingrown toenail, according to my wealth of knowledge on the subject, was out of the question.
But my toe really hurt and it was swelling and turning an odd shade of purply-red. I tried pressing on the red part (it could just be a bruise!), but every time it hurt. I should go ahead and apologize for posting a nasty picture of my toe, most of all to myself, considering my obsession with pretty feet. I’m sorry, okay? But you need to see what I’m seeing, so that we can properly diagnose this abomination.
Where there is diagnosing to be had, there is Google Images to accommodate, and now I’m certain that I do have an ingrown toenail, even though I DON’T WEAR DIRTY SOCKS (I'm looking at you, Seventeen magazine).
I'm convinced it's going to require surgery and am waiting to hear back from my doctor. In the meantime, I'm looking on the bright side: it could always be worse. (How's THAT for meticulous grooming?)
It turns out that cutting your nails too short is the number one cause of an ingrown nail, and now I'm wondering: Has Seventeen heard the news?
Comments
Oh, Jes, honestly! Did you HAVE to post the picture of the other foot?? That's SICK!
Posted by: Heidi | August 13, 2007 10:22 AM
HEIDI: Sorry, I know it was totally sick. That's what compelled me to do it, I think. Some sort of weird obsession with making those around me suffer when I suffer. Misery loves company, right?
Posted by: chirky | August 13, 2007 10:25 AM
considering we were in 7th grade together, who was your crush? I cant wait to hear... I dont remember any curls!
Posted by: willow | August 13, 2007 10:37 AM
Oh my lord that's gross, that picture you linked to. I resisted it initially, but I was compelled by Heidi's comment to check it out. Wow, is all I can say.
Also, I don't know exactly why I am sharing this but I have had ingrown toenails on both my big toes for years, and I do not wear dirty socks! I don't cut my toenails too short either, in fact I'm rather lazy about cutting them often enough, primarily because I know that cutting my toenails = sharp increase in pain for at least a week. The best tip I can give you is that when you cut your toenail, cut straight across, don't cut the corners off on a curved angle. It feels better in the short term because then you no longer have the corners digging into your skin, but it usually makes it worse when they grow back.
Posted by: Laura | August 13, 2007 11:03 AM
LAURA: I'm not saying your shoes are too small, just like I wasn't saying my health-class crush had dirty socks. BUT. Ingrown toenails can also be caused by wearing shoes that are too tight. So let's stop with the pointy heels that smush your toes together, mmmmkay?
I'm sorry. I just did it again, and I didn't even have to open my mouth to make it happen. This time, I can't even blame Seventeen magazine.
(But I CAN blame familydoctor.org.)
Posted by: chirky | August 13, 2007 11:09 AM
Ugh, Jes. I swear, I almost ralfed onto my keyboard at that image.
Okay, yeah, I have toe problems too. Or, at least, a toe problem. I think I have a fungus. Combined with an ingrown. But it's not that bad at all. I've been keeping it under control and trying to get rid of it by using some kind of microbial treatment. But it is a pain in the rear.
Posted by: Chiada | August 13, 2007 11:53 AM
That last picture? Please, some of us check people's blogs during lunch. And some things cannot be unseen. GROSS!!!
I think I knew that about cutting nails too short. But isn't there also something about cutting your nails a certain way to prevent ingrown toenails? I wish I could remember.
Posted by: Lia | August 13, 2007 02:02 PM
WARNING, Jes you must put up a warning when you are sending us to something so grotesque and vomit-inducing. I am scared for life!!
Posted by: Katie | August 13, 2007 02:32 PM
Oh. My. God.
That picture actually caused a verbal and physical reaction from me.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW.
Posted by: abbersnail | August 13, 2007 03:27 PM
Yes, I totally agree with Katie on this one: a photo that vile and horrific needs some sort of warning attached. It might cause a seizure by flashing up on the screen so suddenly and taking one's breath away!
Posted by: Anna | August 13, 2007 03:36 PM
The best way to get rid of ingrown toe nails, that I've found anyway, is to file down the top of your nail.
So just file a vertical line down the center until that part of the nail is flat.
It'll start to fix an ingrown nail and it'll keep new ingrown nails from forming in the future, if you keep it maintained.
Jes said she would link this to a drawing of the area that should be filed flat.
Try it! It works for me! :)
Edit by Jes: Click the link to see Giselle's drawing. It's helpful in visualizing what is articulated above.
Posted by: Giselle | August 13, 2007 04:07 PM
Jes, it looks like a paronychia to me. It's possible that bacteria from the nail salon entered your skin from cutting your nails so short. You might need a short round of antibiotics.
Wow, I'm a downer. Have a nice day! ;)
Posted by: whoorl | August 13, 2007 04:24 PM
Dear Jes,
I'm positive that you are a great person, but I am sickened by that last link. I may never get that image out of my mind.
*shuddering*
Posted by: Jayleigh | August 13, 2007 07:29 PM
Oh. My. Word. Feet are never really pretty, but that last photo? Almost made me lose my dinner!
(And hi!)
Posted by: Angella | August 13, 2007 07:58 PM
Oh, I can't resist looking at the picture that you linked. I just close the window, immediately.
I see that your toe nail seems fine, Jes. I like short nail too.
Posted by: PRETTY IN THE CITY | August 13, 2007 08:29 PM
I'm NOT clicking through. I'm not. I refuse. I WILL NOT LOOK AT THE NASTY TOE SHOT.
And? I've had 3 ingrown toenails and let me tell you - you do NOT want the doc messin' with it without first deadening your toe.
Promise me you won't let him.
Childbirth is nothing by comparison.
Are you scared now?
I'm such a good friend that way.
Posted by: OMSH | August 13, 2007 11:53 PM
i'm afraid i have to concur with whoorl. whoorl and i have seen many a foot problem in our day.
though, i'm with you on the cutting the nails short. don't these chicks with hooves, slice their significant others in bed?
Posted by: gorillabuns | August 13, 2007 11:57 PM
That toe, not your toe, FREAKED me out. I wasn't prepared for that clickity click. Your toes, even ingrown or whatever, are still pretty dang cute.
I miss pedicures.
Posted by: kerrianne | August 14, 2007 12:02 PM
Jesus. Am I the ONLY one not totally freaked out by the picture? To me, it seemed the most natural thing in the world. "Yeah, I've got a foot problem, and THIS is what it looks like!"
Isn't that what blogging's all about?
Posted by: Spring | August 14, 2007 12:23 PM
HOLY GOD. That last toe picture (not yours, the other one) nearly made me puke.
I think I need to lie down.
Posted by: velocibadgergirl | August 14, 2007 04:35 PM
Ok, I wasnt going to look at the second picture- but for some reason after reading how everyone was so grossed out, I HAD to look- and I almost spit red wine all over my computer screen, said "OH GOD!" out loud and closed that tab as fast as I could. Im glad I didnt say it loud enough for Jay to hear me- bc I could not subject him to that awful picture.
I think I read in Shape magazine or something about filing your toenails straight across and not cutting them too short to keep from getting ingrown toenails. Never gave it much thought before that. And dude at teh shoes store told me my running shoes were a size and a half too small and it wasnt good for my toes. my bad.
Posted by: Sara | August 14, 2007 07:57 PM
That second picture made me feel immediately ill. How on earth could someone let their toes get like that? How?!
Posted by: nancypearlwannabe | August 14, 2007 08:55 PM
Is Spring talking about your foot picture, 'cause that one isn't bad. Did she miss the link to the second one? 'Cause I'm TOTALLY with everyone on that picture -- ugh!
Posted by: my life is brilliant | August 14, 2007 10:24 PM
Oh, Jes. I'm literally using every ounce of strength I have not to hurl after seeing that picture. EEEW.
Posted by: metalia | August 15, 2007 12:02 AM
It is YOUR fault that I just upchucked my midnight snack.
Also, Seventeen magazine convinced me, for like, YEARS that I could get pregnant in a hot tub.
Posted by: kerflop | August 15, 2007 12:05 AM
Der. I mean, of course you can get pregnant in a hot tub, if you are, you know, engaging in the activity, if you know what I'm saying. But the mag had me thinkin' you could get knocked up just by sitting there NEXT to a person. Not, um, on top of the person.
Ahem.
Posted by: kerflop | August 15, 2007 12:07 AM
I can't stop laughing at kerflop. I think I might laugh for days! :D
Posted by: Giselle | August 15, 2007 09:58 AM
If you don't mind I'm going to tell my boss it's YOUR fault I'm not going to get any more work done today. I CAN'T GET THAT NASTY TOE IMAGE OUT OF MY MIND! (Not yours, of course. You know which one I mean.) I don't know why I clicked on it--I can't even handle "Digger" the cartoon toenail fungus.
Posted by: lizgwiz | August 16, 2007 09:56 AM
See, I knew that photo would be disgusting when I clicked the link, but somehow ... I still just ... wasn't prepared.
Posted by: Schnozz | August 17, 2007 12:40 AM
ouch! but even i've done that to myself once! :P
Posted by: Ki | August 17, 2007 06:13 AM
Awww! Yeah, that's happened to me a few times from cutting them too short! Especially as a child. I also got blisters one time that were so huge.. and they had some chunky stuff floating in them from the dermis. Isn't that disgusting?
Posted by: Julianna | August 17, 2007 08:38 AM
Oh! And you've been tagged.
Posted by: Julianna | August 17, 2007 08:39 AM
so I'm just going to refrain from clicking on the link because I've had very little to eat today save for some fruity cheerios and I doubt that would look all that awesome coming up.
I'll just take everyone else's word on it's grossness.
Posted by: Heather B. | August 17, 2007 09:24 AM
I am SO NOT LOOKING at those links. I've had about...three or four BAD ingrown toenails (that required surgery bad, not just run-of-the-mill-excruciatingly painful) and have resolved never to look at such badness voluntarily. The key for me is leaving my nails long...and that's worked for a few years, right up till the point that the corner of my toenail broke off way down near the quick yesterday. So I'm pretty much expecting one soon. Siiigh.
Posted by: Maya | August 17, 2007 03:47 PM
I am SO NOT LOOKING at those links. I've had about...three or four BAD ingrown toenails (that required surgery bad, not just run-of-the-mill-excruciatingly painful) and have resolved never to look at such badness voluntarily. The key for me is leaving my nails long...and that's worked for a few years, right up till the point that the corner of my toenail broke off way down near the quick yesterday. So I'm pretty much expecting one soon. Siiigh.
Posted by: Maya | August 17, 2007 03:48 PM
That last picture of that other foot....Ewwww ewww ewww grooooooosssssss! That was so yuck! LMAO.
Good luck with the toe issue... I have had that problem before... it sucks.
Posted by: Tammy | August 18, 2007 10:26 PM
Must.Not.Click.On.Link
No, it is enough torture that my toes started sobbing in empathy when I started reading this.
Posted by: Loralee | August 19, 2007 02:29 AM
Love your blog!!!!!!!!!!! I just started one up about a month ago and its a bit weak at the moment but one at a time:)
http://coloredsprinkles.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Patty | August 19, 2007 03:46 PM
I'm starting a short-toenails club!
I think it's all a conspiracy by Jenny. She told you that, then did something when you weren't looking.
Thank God for people like Heidi - SOMEBODY's gotta work in medicine! But not me - I too was eating lunch when I checked your blog. I knew "be worse" was gonna be much worse, but like Pam said on The Office, "Somethings are so bad, you just can't look away." I did the glance-and-backspace as fast as I could.
You're right about the tight shoe thing. When I moved here last year, I started walking to get everywhere. I got a new pair of shoes and instantly got my first ingrown nails, one in each big toe. I stopped wearing the shoes and everything was ok.
Posted by: Lindsay | August 23, 2007 12:15 AM