Sitting In A Tree
May 24, 2007
Roger and I used to like to kiss. We still do, I suppose, but now we're more careful about it.
You see, while I do love him dearly, I have to admit that Roger has traumatized me (though not on purpose, for he has certainly suffered because of it, too).
A couple years ago, before I suffered from this self-imposed impairment, Roger made the mistake of kissing my neck. That itself is not a terrible thing, though the outcome was surprising.
My body, very responsive to Roger's kisses (sorry, Mom – is this difficult for you to read?), sent a surge of blood just below the surface of my skin. You guessed it: I got a hickey. But not just any hickey. I got The Mother Of ALL Hickeys.
This image is drawn to scale.
I hid from my friends and family, materialized only for work (but kept my head down low while I was there), and sent Roger to the mall on a shopping spree. For turtlenecks. In Texas. In the middle of the summer.
Want to guess how that went over? Or how I disguised the three turtlenecks I owned into new outfits each day for twenty one days? Including a liberal and sudden use of scarves?
NOT WELL.
Since then, Roger has tried on numerous occasions to convince me that he needs access to my neck. Every time he has been DENIED like a teen's overspent credit card on Christmas Eve.
Lately he has begun to methodically and premeditatively sneak kisses on my neck: when I'm cooking dinner, when I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm watching TV, when I'm paying the bills.
He claims that he's attempting to desensitize me and lessen my compulsive, shrieking reaction when his lips are anywhere in the vicinity of my neck. And he's hoping that one day I'll give him permission to go there again. Want to guess how that is going over?
NOT WELL.
Comments
Heeee! I love your cartoons! Very very funny. Scarves are very useful and cute - I wear them quite often, myself - but having to wear one every single day for a month would get a) annoying and b) obvious. How about he kisses the back of your neck where your hair will hide any resulting marks?
Posted by: Chiada | May 24, 2007 02:29 PM
ok, so I must know... do you have a pen mouse??? I'm assuming you do your fabulous artwork in paint... which is what I do... but drawing with a regular mouse is SO tough!!! Do you have a pen mouse? What is your secret!?
Posted by: Courtney | May 24, 2007 03:58 PM
Courtney: GAH. How I WISH I had one of those notepad drawing things. Life would be so much easier. But, no, I use a combo of Microsoft Paint and Adobe Photoshop, depending on my mood. Most drawings are done 90% in Paint.
Posted by: jes | May 24, 2007 04:03 PM
Man, "neck" is such a sexy word.
Posted by: Spring | May 24, 2007 04:09 PM
Next time, should Roger ever get close to your neck again and happen to leave a little love nip, you could always just dab some calomine lotion over it and other places on your neck and arms and fain poison oak or ivy....may even get you some "sick" time off of work depending on how germ-phobic your boss is!
Stop denying..... :)
Posted by: Willow | May 24, 2007 09:44 PM
Yeah, I agree with Willow! Stop denying! Wanna neck? :o)
Posted by: Roger | May 24, 2007 11:16 PM
Ahhh, just buy the turtlenecks in advance and try to convince him of alternate spots like by your ears, back of the neck, etc. I had that pretty big (and unknown) one on my neck coming home. I also had various ones throughout the entirety of every visit to see him, the best one being one i didn't know about 9and thus was not hiding) until I heard one of the other students go "Holy mother of God! What in the F* is THAT?!" Turns out it kind of spanned the entire side of my neck. Whoops.
Posted by: Julianna | May 24, 2007 11:47 PM
So, what did your mom say after read this post? ^o^
Posted by: PrettyInTheCity | May 25, 2007 12:20 AM
Poor Roger. One false move and you pay for it the rest of your life.
Posted by: ben | May 25, 2007 09:47 AM
I'm currently reading Catcher in the Rye. I don't know what it is supposed to be about and I am halfway through it! I see that you are reading a classic too. How is it?
Funny post and great picture. I also loved the lied, "DENIED like a teens overspent credit card at Christmas" Nice alliteration on that one.
Posted by: eddo | May 25, 2007 12:25 PM
You have to pass through Texas, Louisiana, Alabama Georgia and reeeeeeeeeach into North Carolina to find turtlenecks in the summer.
That or garage sales.
eek!
Posted by: OMSH | May 26, 2007 03:03 PM
TMI. Please start rating your posts.
Posted by: Jimmy | May 28, 2007 08:49 AM
Love the metaphor of a teen's credit card on Christmas Eve -- now THAT is rejection! :)
Posted by: Em | May 28, 2007 11:26 AM
If your mom gets upset or offended by this post, imagine what she's going to think if you get pregnant...How do you plan on explaining that one? Hmmmm?
Posted by: Heather B. | May 28, 2007 09:33 PM
AHAHA, I love that Jimmy asked for a rating. Jes can you work on that? Maybe some sort of standards list that determines what your posts are rated. And then you could have that right at the title, so people know if they want to continue on.
Also, I must not have seen you during this time of mass bruising on your neckish area because I don't remember turtlenecks in the summer months.
Posted by: Katie | May 29, 2007 09:12 AM
Oh gosh, the errant hickey! I accidentally gave my wife one a few weeks ago. She used a band-aid to cover it up. I am super careful when kissing her neck. But accidents happen and I can say that because I don't have the hickey!
~Jef
Posted by: Edge | May 29, 2007 10:42 AM
Um, what? No updates? No new posts for my entertainment?
EDDO IS LIVD
Posted by: eddo | May 30, 2007 02:21 PM