The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases.*
November 14, 2006
Yesterday I developed this sharp, shooting pain on the surface of my rock-hard, washboard abs. It's like I pulled a muscle in just one tiny area, below and to the right of my navel, and every time I move - sometimes when I just breathe - my body lets me know that something is wrong.
Last night I tried to figure out what it was through deductive reasoning. Sometimes I would surreptitiously yank up my shirt, hoping to surprise the miniscule acupuncture pins poking out of my stomach, not giving them enough time to disguise themselves from me. That's what it feels like: sharp daggers stabbing my flesh like a rabid wolf slaughtering its prey.
Hungry, anyone?
I thought for a moment that it was just gas, but then I remembered that couldn't possibly be it because I know THAT feeling all too well. In that case, I get bloated and feel like my organs are under the pressure of one hundred eighty six anvils, pushing and shoving and making me double-over in misery because the anvils are trapped in a big, black mass somewhere within my intestinal tract. It's an entirely different kind of pain.
Also? Hi, mom. Right now I'm willing to bet that she is horrified that I'm talking about my flatulence to the Internet, and she wants you to know that she didn't raise me to talk about these things in public. And I bet she is embarrassed, too, and vowing to stop reading this site, yet again.
Mom, I know that you're totally right. I attribute my disgusting behavior to all those years I lived alone and didn't have you to correct me. I promise not to make it dinner conversation at the Thanksgiving table.
Since I (a) haven't yet discovered the impalpable acupuncture needles and (b) know that it's not gas, now I'm wondering whether it is my appendix preparing itself to explode into a thousand pieces.
Is there a doctor in the house? Anyone? Maybe even someone who likes to diagnose, but who doesn't have any medical knowledge? (Um, wait. That's me.)
Until my appendix ruptures (or until I find some other explanation), I'll just keep yanking up my shirt, hunting for needles.
*Caskie Stinnett
Comments
I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on t.v. and I'm totally jealous you have washboard abs. That said, it sounds like the pain I get when my Crohn's flares. But you'd have other (yucky, not to be talked about with your mom reading) symptoms too. So I don't know. Did you try webmd.com?
Posted by: CPA Mom | November 14, 2006 10:11 AM
I get all sort of abdominal pain... the result of eating gluten (my nemesis) or too much diary. Pain on the lower right side accompanied by a fever is usually an indication of appendicitis. Even without the fever, it is not a bad idea to give the Dr. a ring - should it continue to be bothersome.
And no, I am not a dr. - just another hypochondriac ;)
Posted by: kir | November 14, 2006 10:59 AM
I'll be starting up the Chirky Death pool in the coming day or two (if this doesn't subside).
My money's on Spleen. Or gall bladder. I'm an expert on these things. After all, I'm an economist.
Posted by: mikee | November 14, 2006 11:28 AM
Just to add to your paranoia - it's a cyst on your ovary bursting.
Posted by: Heather | November 14, 2006 01:10 PM
Heather: It seems like a cyst bursting on my ovary would not be a very good thing. Still, you sound like a recording of my sister: she said the EXACT SAME THING. I've never had cysts anywhere, so I'm a little disappointed at the possibility that I have one now.
Posted by: jes | November 14, 2006 01:19 PM
Could be ovulation pain. Even if you're on the pill (which I have no idea if you are or aren't, I'm just trying to cover all bases), you can get a follicle bulge (UGH) at the time you would otherwise be ovulating, and it can cause stabby, awful pains down in that general vicinity.
Posted by: Lawyerish | November 14, 2006 03:32 PM
Go to webmd. No need for a doctor when you can self-diagonse over the internet right? (wink)
Posted by: katie | November 14, 2006 04:42 PM
Everyone OMG, you guys are webmd.com FREAKS. Everyone, including MY BOSS (which: overshare - he really didn't need to know whether I typically get cramps during my period) (and for everyone: i'm not on my period), has told me to self-diagnose on webmd.
So. For the record.
I have visited webmd, and it has only served to make me believe I have about fourteen gajillion different diseases.
So. Tomorrow? My doctor will hate me.
Posted by: jes | November 14, 2006 05:01 PM
I CAN'T GET INTO SARA'S BLOG ANYMORE PLEASE ASK HER TO ADD ME HELP
Posted by: Mitzell | November 14, 2006 06:34 PM
It's definitely not appendicitis, by the way, for that is bad, and by "bad" I mean, I'd rather die than go through that again, and it was almost 17 years ago.
Posted by: jonniker | November 14, 2006 09:20 PM
I hope you are feeling better and that your ovaries haven't exploded. That will teach you to ask the internet for medical diagnosis.
I have to tell you that this is one of the prettiest blog designs I have ever seen.
Posted by: Kate | November 14, 2006 10:06 PM
Both my sister and I have had cysts on our ovaries decide to burst, and it is not uncommon. Apparently (and I am so not an authority on the reasons behind it...I just know my doctor said it was what caused me to double over and wish to die) your ovaries are supposed to have cysts on them.
No, I don't get it either. But on the good news side, I obviously survived. That's something.
Posted by: Horrible Warning | November 14, 2006 11:51 PM
Sometimes I get the same type of pain by my ribs. The doctor told me my muscles were having a migraine spasm. I believed him because either I'm gullible and he was joking or he's right.
I could be completely gullible. And for the record, I have no medical knowledge at all.
Anwyas, it could be that.
Posted by: reddirtroad | November 15, 2006 03:33 AM
Is it on the right side? Then maybe it is an appendix, but I had a shooting pain forever and eventually it just went away. Sometimes I think maybe you can get a kink or something pokey in the intestinal region and it causes the pain. Have you eaten anything sharp lately? Do you suffer from PICA? A not so common disease the causes you to eat things like tube socks and safety pins? Do you sleep eat? Perhaps you should set up a video camera to see what behaviors/habits you may have developed in the night.
Answer me these questions and I will better be able to determine the cause of your illness - which I believe is probably psychosomatic.
Dr. Eddo
Posted by: eddo | November 15, 2006 09:55 AM
MITZELL: She needs your email address to add you. Please email me at jes(at)chirkyREMOVEXSPAM(dot)com.
Posted by: jes | November 15, 2006 10:31 AM
I hope you get to feeling better soon. I could see it being cysts on your ovaries. I've heard those are really painful. Here's hoping neither of us finds out (and that whatever is causing your pain gets fixed soon!).
Posted by: my life is brilliant | November 15, 2006 10:58 AM
So? Have you figured it out yet? I just get ovulation pain and it's annoying but usually not too bad.
Posted by: julianna | November 15, 2006 09:23 PM
Too many services in internet called Ask a Doctor simply have no license for the activity who it supervises and how with these to struggle?
Posted by: Leo | January 21, 2007 08:26 AM
Abdominal pain is pain that you feel anywhere between your chest and groin. This is often referred to as the stomach region or belly.
Posted by: Leo | January 21, 2007 04:08 PM