Let it not be said that I am not impulsive.
September 15, 2006
Several months ago I talked to my friend JCol about The Master Cleanse, a diet of lemons and water and maple syrup and cayenne, that not only, ahem, clean you out but also encourage weight loss.
This morning I spoke with my coworker about it, and after finding out that Beyonce lost 25 pounds in two weeks on The Master Cleanse for a movie she was shooting – which, by the way, is totally hearsay. I don't remember reading that in any of the gossip magazines – I decided that it would work equally well with me!
I would post pictures of me in a bikini from a year ago, but, hmm. No. If you saw those I would have to kill you. And let's just say I'm not the murderous type. Especially not the mass-murderous type who goes crazy on her readers for looking at pictures that she was responsible for posting in the first place. I just don't think I could build a good defense around that.
So. The Master Cleanse. I'm going during lunch today to get the ingredients. I better not have to run to the restroom at work today. I don't do well with public pooping.
I'll keep a running dialog on this site. We'll see how long I can last before I break down and maul the person in the kitchen who is reheating last night's dinner, which from my desk, smells exactly like something gourmet and garlic-y and Italian. Or, maybe I'm just hungry.
12:03 p.m.: Leave work, drive to Central Market
12:19 p.m.: Find organic lemons
12:19:15 p.m.: Choose and pick up five lemons
12:19:30 p.m.: Mutter "oh, crap! no! no!" as the lemons begin to cascade atop each other
12:19:32 p.m.: Fling my body against the produce display to keep lemons from spilling onto the ground
12:23 p.m.: After carefully rearranging lemon display and standing silently in front of it, ready to lurch if they begin falling again, head toward honey aisle
12:24 p.m.: Find the only container of Certified Organic Grade B Maple Syrup
12:26 p.m.: Drool over milky chocolates and black licorice beckoning me
12:32 p.m.: Arrive home with my purchases, find citrus juicer that I bought two years ago and have never used
12: 45 p.m.: Still squeezing these lemons. Isn't there an easier way to do this? Does anyone sell fresh-squeezed organic lemon juice?
12:54 p.m.: Seriously? Had no clue that squeezing lemons would take so long. Almost to 8 ounces.
12:56 p.m.: Measure maple syrup and lemon juice together into two containers
12: 57 p.m.: Should be pulling into my parking garage right about now. Instead, I am standing in my kitchen sucking the lemon juice off my pinky finger, which has two papercuts, and which is stinging with a white-hot rage of … stingyness.
12:57:23 p.m.: Measure water into bottles with lemon juice/maple syrup mixture. Realize I added twice as much water as I was supposed to. Resign myself to drinking really watered-down lemonade.
1:03 p.m.: Driving to work. Get cut off by two people. Follow one of the two people into my parking garage.
1:07 p.m.: Fill cup with ice, shake Master Cleanse mixture, pour over ice
1:07:46 p.m.: Realize I forgot to mix in cayenne pepper. It's only 1/10 of a teaspoon, anyway. It can't matter THAT much.
1:10 p.m.: Stare at my styrofoam cup, wonder whether what the mixture tastes like, decide I can't just not eat for the next ten days.
1:11 p.m.: Remember that I am not a very disciplined person. Will I last longer than a day?
1:37 p.m.: Taking my first sip with you, Internet.
Hold, please. I'm sipping.
1:37:23 p.m.: Hold, please. I'm not sipping. Roger called me to ask me questions that actually involve me using my brain.
1:40 p.m.: Okay. I'm sipping again. Or, not again, because I never did it the first time.
Sipping now.
1:40:11 p.m.: That made my jaw tingle. And nose crinkle. The aftertaste isn't so bad, because it tastes like maple syrup. Has anyone else ever noticed how similar cotton candy and maple syrup taste?
1:41 p.m.: Sipping again.
1:42 p.m.: I don't think I can do this for ten days.
1:45 p.m.: I know it hasn't had time to go through my intestines yet, but I just felt a slight twinge of pain. Am I a hypochondriac?
1:55 p.m.: Chewing ice makes me feel like I am actually eating real-live-food (except, maybe not "live" as in "alive" because - gross). Perhaps I should have eased myself into this, instead of going cold-turkey.
2:02 p.m.: I'm wondering if, after this is all over, I'll ever be able to drink lemonade again.
2:17 p.m.: I've already consumed one entire glass of Master Cleanse. No bathroom emergencies. For which I'm thankful. Gah. I'd rather drive all the way home for taking care of THAT kind of business.
2:25 p.m.:: JCol just left a comment to tell me that this Master Cleanse doesn't actually clean me out. It's the Smooth Move (the name: blech) tea that does that. Except before I started this Master Cleanse, I had already convinced myself I wouldn't drink the tea or the salt water.
2:27 p.m.: If only I knew what Beyonce did.
2:45 p.m.: I love bendy straws.
3:01 p.m.: A conversation I had ealier today with Roger:
"Do you want to do The Master Cleanse with me?"
"Um, no. I'm going to see how well you do with it first."
"So, I'm you're guinea pig?"
"That about sums it up."
Gah. MEN. If he so much as cooks anything that smells good, I'm going to die. Don't you think that if I'm going to suffer, he should also? It makes sense to me.
3:19 p.m.: I forgot to weigh myself before I started this. Don't you think I probably still weigh the same as I did three hours ago? That makes sense, right? And that two hours from now, I'll probably still weigh the same? So, I can just go home and weigh myself?
3:20 p.m.: Except I don't have a scale at home. On to Plan B.
3:20:33 p.m. There is no Plan B. Anyone want to have me over tonight so I can weigh myself?
4:04 p.m.: Just learned that my tongue will be white and fuzzy, like a Q-tip, by the time this is all over. It means that I'm detoxing. That's gross to me. Can't I brush my tongue when I brush my teeth and make it go away? Can I chew gum? Will this affect my breath?
5:14 p.m.: I dreaming of going home and eating a hot, steamy pizza.
6:06 p.m.: It took less than one hour for me to give in to my cravings. I am a weakling. I also realized that with my new niece, my nephew's third birthday party, a friend's baby shower, and an extended trip away, doing this diet will not be easy right now. It was easy for me to rationalize. Have I mentioned I'm not disciplined?
7:15 p.m.: That was perhaps the best pizza I have ever eaten. And I scarfed it. I ate an entire medium-sized pizza all by myself. I didn't know that much food would even fit in my body!
8:36 p.m.: I fell asleep on the couch. This pizza in my stomach makes me want to vomit. I feel gross.
9:00 p.m.: Why am I such a glutton? Now I'm really disapointed in myself and feel like a failure. I didn't last for SEVEN hours. I think I have a food addiction.
9:11 p.m.: Researching "food addiction" on Google.
11:29 p.m.: Feel miserable. An entire pizza lodged in belly. Took an ex-lax before I went to bed. I've got to get this thing out of me.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
9:25 a.m.: Woke up still feeling miserable about myself. Am I unduly harsh on myself? Should this not be that big of a deal? Seriously. I feel like I've committed an unforgiveable sin or something. AND THE INTERNET WAS MY WITNESS!
9:27 a.m.: Heading to Central Market, again. I'm determined to ride this thing out. Going to purchase 50 lemons, several more bottles of maple syrup, and ... ug. Smooth Move tea. That name makes me want to vomit.
9:28 a.m.: Confirmation: I am STUBBORN.
10:35 a.m.: I have a wedding to go to today. I am hoping I do not regret this decision, because it would suck to spend the entire ceremony in the restroom. With pantyhose on.
12:41 p.m.: The cayenne? Hurts. Also, I strongly recommend not trying the Master Cleanse when you have several social engagements planned. Pains in the intestinal tract do not mix well with large groups.
7:16 p.m.: The intestines behaved at the wedding. So far I really don't even feel hungry. Don't they say that you have to do something for 21 days to break a habit? That probably means that 10 days won't break my food habit. But - it's a start.
Comments
Jes! You're doing the "Lemon Hell" as Brian calls it? Do you have my spreadsheet? It's the cheat sheet for how to make it. Did I send it to you? The lemons shouldn't take that long. Do you have a lemon reamer?
Cayenne Pepper - pulls toxins out of the system. (I only did the capsules, didn't like the idea of spicy lemonade). It will make your insides feel about 120 degrees. this is normal.
You really can go 10 days, but it's all mental honey.
By day 3-4 you are looking forward to chewing the little bits of lemon through your straw.
Yes! Get straws, I've heard that much acidity on your teeth can make them sensitive. (unfortunately the lemon seeds will get through the straw but you'll be a lemon seed spittin' pro before too long).
The maple syrup can be adjusted to taste. The more syrup, the more calories. Grade B has the most minerals, that's why you want grade B. So, it just depends on if you think you need more calories or not. You'll only be getting about 400 a day anyways.
You can do it! But PLEASE keep us updated. You know that the lemonade will not make you "go", right? It's the Smooth Move tea and the salt water that do that. The salt water is ummmm, interesting.
Good luck!
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | September 15, 2006 02:18 PM
Oh, and just to prepare you. You will dream about food like you never have before. You seriously have to retrain your brain, b/c it will tell you it's time to eat. That means it's time to drink. You shouldn't ever FEEL hungry. But you will probably think you are.
This is normal.
I was on day 8ish and I totally forgot it was Brian's b-day. Because - HELLO, on a b-day you go out to eat, and eat cake, etc. No eating, no cake means I forgot.
Am I encouraging you or discouraging you? Maybe a bit of both.
I'm so intrigued!
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | September 15, 2006 02:23 PM
So, let me get this straight -- you don't eat anything for 10 days, you just drink this lemon, pepper, syrup concoction? Can you do just 5 days, or does it have to be 10? Details, details, please! (Especially if you can lose 25 lbs in a week!)
Posted by: Ang | September 15, 2006 03:16 PM
I think it has to be for a minimum of 10 days. And I won't be able to verify the "25 pounds in a week" theory until I've actually done it for the full 10 days. Which, obviously, is a bit longer than a week.
And, I think my co-worker said Beyonce did this for two weeks.
Posted by: jes | September 15, 2006 03:19 PM
I don't think you can lose 25 lbs in a week unless your head and several appendages fall off.
That said, a friend of mine did this and said she felt great -- very purified -- afterward. Although I think she quit after day 5 or 7 because she was so lightheaded she couldn't function.
I couldn't help thinking of that blonde in "Lost in Translation" going, "Promise me you'll try this Power Cleanse! Promise me! You have to promise you'll try it!"
Hee. And the image of you throwing yourself onto the lemon display? Priceless. Totally something that would happen to me.
Posted by: Lawyerish | September 15, 2006 03:35 PM
Well, 5 days is better than nothing, and I've done 5 days twice. But "they" say you should do at least 10 days for your first time. So I did. But not since.
I don't know about 25 lbs, but I think I lost 12 or 15. I hate to say it, but you are still "going" 10 days after you last ate. How scary is that. Yeah, so you're squeaky clean. And thin. And light. Great, eh?
If you're lightheaded, it's either b/c of the detox, or b/c you need more calories. Probably both. Add more syrup.
Oh, and your tongue will get white and fuzzy. Did you know that? That means that you're detoxing. Technically you're supposed to keep cleansing until it's not white and fuzzy, but I was quitting on day 10 whether my tongue looked like a Q-tip or not.
Kapeesh?
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | September 15, 2006 03:41 PM
My brother and his girlfriend did this. They said they felt amazing afterwards... but that they'd never do it again. Hmmm.
I'd love to try it!!
Posted by: Courtney | September 15, 2006 04:08 PM
Wow, I lost weight the old fashioned way, lazatives and the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) You can eat it for a month and not get bored and still lose weight.
Have to do it again in about 2 weeks.
You're braver than me.
~Jef
Posted by: Thunderfish | September 15, 2006 04:11 PM
So, yeah. Definitely, better you than me.
Did that sound unsupportive? Because I'm TOTALLY supportive (in the same way that your husband described - i.e. Jes-the-guinea pig).
Good luck passin' all da' poop! ;P
Posted by: Deals | September 15, 2006 04:24 PM
I'm trying to be supportive. I'm trying. But, um, oh God. Lemons? Maple syrup? Poo tea?
This is insanity, Jes. I'm trying! I'm trying! But dear sweet Mary, mother of God, what IS this?
Posted by: jonniker | September 15, 2006 08:52 PM
not to laugh at your expense but i completely cracked up at 715. almost got the hicups.
Posted by: jenny lee | September 16, 2006 07:54 AM
Of course I sat here and read that and thought about purchasing lemons, cayenne and maple syrup on my trip to Whole Foods today. I'm young, it can't actually kill me, just make me thin right?
Oh, were there other people around as you let the lemons fall? Did they give you the evil eye?
Posted by: Heather B. | September 16, 2006 09:31 AM
Heather B., you should totally make the purchase, force Stacy to do it with you, and then blog it.
And then I won't be so alone in this escapade.
Posted by: jes | September 16, 2006 10:42 AM
First, let me say I am totally against this kind of thing, so you can quit reading now if you don't want to hear my reasons.
1. Lemon juice isn't just bad for your teeth - it can freaking damage the enamel so bad you need to get new teeth. I will give you my friend Keith's email if you want to hear about his lemon-juice induced dental nightmare. Is it diluted?
2. My friend Guy did this for 3 months. Lost a ton of weight. Gained it all back, plus, immediately. Sigh.
Try a normal diet where you get all your protein and carbs and fiber but in smaller quantities, plus exercise. Then you can know you won't be hurting yourself.
We don't need to detox. Your body detoxes when you poo and pee every single day.
Posted by: Suebob | September 16, 2006 04:06 PM
Suebob: It's more for detox purposes than weight loss, though weight loss is a benefit. I'm totally aware that the weight I lose (if any) will just be from that which is already stuck inside my body (sick).
As for the lemons, I was concerned about my teeth enamel also. But since it's just 2 tablespoons of lemon juice mixed with 10 ounces of water, I figured it's diluted enough.
It tastes just like lemonade - it's actually very good!
Posted by: jes | September 16, 2006 07:20 PM
>>Does anyone sell fresh-squeezed organic lemon juice?
Yes, Whole Foods! :)
(I would live there if I could...)
Posted by: Kari | September 16, 2006 11:59 PM
"2:45 p.m.: I love bendy straws."
That? I love that.
(and I, too, love bendy straws.)
Posted by: julianna | September 17, 2006 02:19 AM
I totally agree with Suebob. Throwing your body into an unnatural diet to lose weight quickly will only come back to bite you. Lemons ARE very harsh on your enamel, especially since you'll be doing this for days on end. There are other ways to detox naturally (beyond poo and pee) that don't require such extreme measures.
Posted by: Jenn | September 17, 2006 09:59 AM
Have you pooped yet???
Posted by: Mitzell | September 17, 2006 12:59 PM
In my best "Joey" voice,
"how YOU doin'?"
Posted by: AmStaffMom | September 17, 2006 04:00 PM
You should have told me you were going to do this... I would have tried to do it with you. Please notice the use of the word "tried".
I ate pizza this weekend too. So miserable afterwards... but I think I have a food addiction too. Dieting is soooo psychological! I hate it.
Posted by: eddo | September 18, 2006 09:10 AM
You're brave! Good luck!
P.S. I'm not good at public pooping either. I don't care HOW bad I feel -- I'll wait! Here's hoping whatever it is catches up with you at home! :)
Posted by: my life is brilliant | September 18, 2006 02:01 PM
WE NEED UPDATES!!!
Posted by: AmStaffMom | September 18, 2006 05:39 PM
I'm so totally getting used to missing all the interesting events in your life. My own fault for being busy, I guess.
I hope this is still going on. It sounds intriguing. I need to find a manageable fitness program because I just transitioned from a school (read: active) lifestyle to a work (read: sedentary) lifestyle, and I'm not liking the changes I'm noticing. I need to know if this really works. Not that I'd ever have the discipline to do it.
Posted by: Lia | September 20, 2006 04:23 PM
i friend of mine used to talk about this, I thought he was crazy, i think you are sane for abandoning it - congratulations!! GO pizza!
Posted by: david | September 20, 2006 09:32 PM