Chirky: Thinking: How to Determine (with very little accuracy) Whether A Tapeworm Has Taken Residence In Your Body

I've spent a good portion of the last couple of weeks as hungry as a famished pigmy shrew stalking its next prey. In public I have to force myself to stop eating, instead holding one hand in the other and squeeeeeeezing, hoping the pain will take the focus off of my growling stomach.

I don't understand why I suddenly have such a voracious appetite, but I've decided to start blaming it on a tapeworm. As such, I've created a list of many things I can blame on my tapeworm, because I'm always looking for something else to blame rather than my own lack of discipline.

Constant hunger, like, right now
Forgetfulness
IBS (Is this too much information?)
Constantly hungry. Seriously.
Gas, because I don't have a dog to blame.
Bloating: Surely I haven't gained weight. No, I think I'm just bloated.
Sleepiness: so sleepy. I want to curl up under my desk and bask in the warmth of my space heater.
Constantly hungry (Oh my gosh, I just ate lunch - an entire meal of meats and starches and vegetables, and I feel like I haven't eaten in four days.)
The bridge of my nose is itchy, and scratching it doesn't help.
Bad hair day with flyaways and frizziness and a pony tail that looks like I just woke up and threw it back and came to work. (Or, perhaps it looks like that because that's exactly what I did.)
Polish chipping off the tips of my fingernails, which totally has something to do with the tapeworm.
Distractability: the Internet pulls me like a moth to a flame.
The hunger. it's insatiable.

Technorati: tapeworm, hunger

Comments

Have you seen what those things look like? Do you really want that in your body?

Although, it would explain all of your symptoms.

Posted by: heather | August 4, 2006 01:08 PM

maybe i have a tapeworm, because I have a cramp in my left side that left me curled up on the floor of my co-workers office (as he laughed at me no less) and thought it was my appendix bursting, but he informed me that my appendix is on the other side, soooooo maybe it was a tapeworm who was angry that I had not fed it yet today and so it thrashed violently causing me pain

Posted by: Katie | August 4, 2006 01:26 PM

p.s. now my nose itches . . . . thanks a lot

Posted by: Katie | August 4, 2006 01:27 PM

Pregnant? Explains all but I and K....

Posted by: Willow | August 4, 2006 01:32 PM

I'm with Willow. Sounds to me a lot like pregnancy.

Posted by: Ang | August 4, 2006 02:24 PM

I don't have a tapeworm.

For your fyi... but then, I don't have any of those symptoms either.

Posted by: Ben | August 4, 2006 02:27 PM

One - you've found a friend for life because IBS is NEVER too much information.

Two - I hear tapeworms love spinach dip. RIGHT?

Posted by: Lena | August 4, 2006 02:29 PM

BTW, did you check out your ads? HAHAHA! That's a good time.

Lena, I think you're right: tapeworms love spinach dip. Interestingly enough, I've had spinch dip three times this week. Gah. IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN.

Posted by: jes | August 4, 2006 02:35 PM

I must be afflicted with a tape worm too because:

1) I've eaten like 3 cookies today and still want more, and
2) My one, shortest bang in the middle of my forhead keeps popping out of my clip.

Definately tape worm.

Good post.

Posted by: katie | August 4, 2006 02:51 PM

OMG - Jes, I think I have a tapeworm today, too! All day, I've wondered why so hungry (I think it was the 3/4 of a bag of Goldfish (crackers) that really started worrying me). TAPEWORM!

By the way...I was speechless after yesterday's post. Wanted to de-lurk then, but didn't know what to write. Your candor has made me a new Chirky devotee.

Posted by: GG | August 4, 2006 02:53 PM

another katie, i have competition now, therefore I must rename myself to set myself apart from the hoards of katies that will flock to your site (all with tapeworms no less)

therefore I will henceforth be known as:

Posted by: Katie, the original | August 4, 2006 02:59 PM

Three ice cream sandwiches = Tapeworm?

Posted by: Crissy | August 4, 2006 03:21 PM

So have you named the tapeworm? May as well.

Posted by: Jenn | August 4, 2006 04:34 PM

Well since ya said IBS I feel like I can go here :) I get exactly like this, with every symptom, just before I start my period :) Can't stop the eating my God! except for the fact I am exhausted and can barely get up in the morning!

Posted by: julianna | August 5, 2006 03:28 PM

As I've been gorging myself the last few days I wondered the same thing? Although I'm never "hungry" per say, just always feel the needs to be eating something!!

Posted by: Colleen | August 5, 2006 07:12 PM

OOH, yes, I think you should name it, too!

Posted by: Leah | August 5, 2006 09:38 PM

Ack! You are scaring me!

Posted by: Kari | August 5, 2006 10:10 PM

I am sure I read somewhere that tapeworms are responsible for bad hair days and chipping nail polish. I think you should name your tapeworm Lenny.

"Chirky, it smells really bad in here."
"Sorry, that was Lenny."

Posted by: -R- | August 6, 2006 03:41 PM

Then there's the good news: people who have tapeworms can blame absolutely everything on them. Me? I just have the cats to blame things on, and that's only halfway effective. You've got at least 80% efficacy going for you.

Posted by: Caryn | August 6, 2006 04:58 PM

I've always wanted a tapeworm of my very own!!! Will you share yours with me?

Posted by: girl from florida | August 7, 2006 01:28 PM

It sounded like pregnancy to me, too.

I wish that I could blame tiredness on something. And intermittent acne. But I'm not desperate enough to want a tapeworm.

There must be an easier way.

Posted by: Lia | August 7, 2006 04:00 PM

Nast-ee. My high school English teacher told me a tapeworm story and I still FREAK out when I think about it.

Blech.

Posted by: AmStaffMom | August 7, 2006 06:50 PM

Mmmmm tapeworm. Tastes like chicken?

Have you tried drinking water... like lots and lots and LOTS of water. I'm up to 3.75 liters a day. I'm too busy peeing to have time to eat.