Scaring off the readers I have, once they realize how incredibly boring life in Dallas is for me, what with the hellacious heat index of 432°
August 21, 2006
Seriously: at what point is my skin going to just melt off my body? At what point will my organs begin to cook? I think I’m currently medium rare.
You know you’ve arrived in life when you spend your Friday night in this way:
Giddily assembling the new Swiffer WetJet that you just bought at the grocery store, where you also labored over what type of peanut butter to purchase. Choosy moms choose Jif. I’m not a mom yet, but I have baby fever, and it’s certain that I’ll make a great mama (or at least a choosy one) because Jif is my favorite brand.
I not only chose Jif. I’m anal enough to choose the kind with 33% less sugar. And with low sodium. And with less calories.
So while you were twisting about on a dance floor, or shrieking about snakes on a plane, or prancing around in a tiara, I was sitting on my kitchen floor attempting to assemble something without first reading the instructions, which goes against every bone in my body since my college degree is entirely based upon being the person that wrote those instructions. (I will admit that after the assembly, I read the entire instruction booklet. The guilt was unbearable within me.)
And in-between assembling the three parts to the Swiffer (really? It wasn’t that difficult. I didn’t have that many options to screw it up.), I ate giant handfuls of caramel popcorn.
I eyed the packaging suspiciously when I read, “Cleans tough, greasy dirt & dried-on stains!” Has anyone tried the WetJet formula on their clothes? Say, a chef perhaps? Or a car mechanic? Someone with lots of stains and greasy dirt on their clothes? Because I may just forgo Tide in favor of WetJet next time I do laundry.
Also, is anyone else the least bit bothered that the WetJet cleaning cloths look oddly like giant maxi pads? They totally stole the stay-dry technology from Always. I’d recognize it anywhere.
While I was busy Swiffering and gorging myself on deliciously sweetened popcorn, Roger was sorting through the mail we’ve received over the past four months. And then he began cleaning out the storage boxes full of mail. And guess what he found? MAIL. FROM. APRIL. 1996. That was ten years ago. In April 1996, I was still in high school, cruising the main strip until my ten o’clock curfew.
Gah. I was so cool. Obviously, not much has changed. I can stay out later now, but why would I when instead, I can assemble mopping devices on my kitchen floor at home?
Comments
I'm glad someone else thought those things looked like big maxi pads.
~Jef
Posted by: Thunderfish | August 22, 2006 07:55 AM
OMG, I thought I was the only one with a ten o'clock curfew in 1996!
Also, I've spent many an exciting weekend cleaning the house. Many.
Posted by: Daily Tragedies | August 22, 2006 08:25 AM
If it makes you feel any better, I spent my friday night watching five straight hours of Project Runway. I also contemplated taking out the swiffer but that was just too much work.
Posted by: Heather B. | August 22, 2006 09:17 AM
I spent my Friday night assembling IKEA furniture! You're not alone in loserhood. And yes, those swiffer wetjet things do indeed look like giant maxipads. As for the peanut butter, my 7th grade "science" project was entitled "Which Peanut Butter Do People Prefer?" Man, it's amazing I'm not working in a lab somewere now. Anyway, the astounding result was that People Prefer Peter Pan. Personally, I'm a Skippy Superchunk gal. Why did I just feel the need to tell you this?
Posted by: GG | August 22, 2006 09:31 AM
OMG, the first time I whipped out one of those Swiffer pads, I started screeching, "ALWAYS! It's ALWAYS!" and running around the house, trying to show Adam how gross it was. And when the dirt goes under and shows through the plastic? HOW GROSS (and oddly menstrual) IS THAT?
Posted by: jonniker | August 22, 2006 09:33 AM
You are definitely getting baby ready, foregoing a night out to sit on your floor and prep to clean it. BRAVO!
Posted by: Jenn | August 22, 2006 10:54 AM
More information than I ever needed about the Swiffer WetJet but I will prepared if I ever purchase one. ;) I don't believe I ever had a 10 o'clock curfew. Actually, I never had any curfew at all. And I have to admit, I'm a Skippy kinda gal.
Posted by: Heather | August 22, 2006 11:32 AM
I am feeling super cool right now because I realized that I actually went out on Friday night! With other people and everything! Does it make me less super cool that I used the phrase "super cool"? Dang it.
More importantly, is the pb with less sugar and sodium any good?
Posted by: -R- | August 22, 2006 01:01 PM
R: YES, it tastes just like the regular PB. I just wish it came in creamy AND chunky.
Posted by: jes | August 22, 2006 01:05 PM
Class of 96 rocks!
My husband obviously thought that someone was going to steal his Alabama Power Company identity as he had power bills from when he moved here 8 years ago. He wouldn't get rid of them until he could shred them. Oh, the paper in my house.
Posted by: Mrs. CPA | August 22, 2006 02:08 PM
Okay...you are totally my friend. Fascinated by swiffering, unopened mail from 1996...AND I also wrote a post this week about giant maxi pads.
Nice stuff.
Posted by: Jenny | August 22, 2006 06:25 PM
Yay! I like PB even though it makes me feel sick :) And your evening is now, at this point, what i dreammmmmmmm about. OMG. I would love to be home and it's been less than a week of this LOL!
Posted by: julianna | August 22, 2006 06:32 PM
HA HA HA HA! I read your little comments on your pics and they crack me up. Much like the Always comments. Sure looks like it to me on the picture.
You know what's sad? I had a 10:30 curfew in 1996. BUT I WAS 20 YEARS OLD. I'm not kidding. It's amazing I even talk to my parents now. geesh.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | August 22, 2006 09:26 PM
I love Swiffer WetJets! I also thought they looked like giant pads when I opened them for the first time. :)
I went out on Friday night, and the bar I went to was SO hot because it had the doors open. We thought about going outside to cool off. And then we remembered we were it was summer in the South -- no matter what the clock says, it's gonna be hot.
I totally stayed home by myself Saturday night watching movies. I watched Rookie of the Year. I hadn't seen that since third grade, when I saw it in the theater three times. :) Yes, I'm a dork, too.
Posted by: my life is brilliant | August 22, 2006 09:30 PM
one word (or rather, one website):
http://www.daleandthomaspopcorn.com/
you can thank me later.
(Oh yah, Swiffer rocks!)
Posted by: CPA Mom | August 23, 2006 09:05 AM
Speaking of peanut butter WTF is up with it trying to have its own "low-fat" version. Fat grams:
Regular peanut butter: 16
Low-Fat: 12
Gee, thanks, asshats.
Posted by: Jurgen Nation | August 23, 2006 09:13 AM
Chirky picks her nose.
Posted by: jurgen nation | August 23, 2006 10:42 AM
Mmmm....juicy and salty.
Posted by: jes | August 23, 2006 10:49 AM
First Check? Roger is older than me by 5 years and his first check was in 1998? Please tell me this isn't true. My first check was in 1987 when I was 12 and I worked at a horse ranch. Yep. 12. And I have been getting so many checks since then that I have never bothered to keep the first one.
Posted by: eddo | August 23, 2006 01:12 PM
No, Eddo. SILLY.
This is his first check from his first graphic design job straight out of graphic design school.
Posted by: jes | August 23, 2006 01:17 PM
OOOOOOOHHHHH!!! Well, it needs to say that then! Ha ha!
Posted by: eddo | August 23, 2006 02:00 PM
Oh my GOD dude. It is so hot down here. I didn't realize you were from Dallas! We are sort of neighbors. Woot!
(forgive me, I'm easily amused)
Posted by: Amanda B. | August 23, 2006 02:11 PM
Glad to know there are people out there that are as big of losers as I am... I've spent many a friday night putting together a vacuum cleaner or putting away laundry or oganizing my closet. Long live the dorks!! :)
Posted by: Courtney | August 23, 2006 06:14 PM