My Mom's Home Remedies, or Why I Ended Up With Cotton Taped To My Face Last Night
August 24, 2006
When I was single, I promised myself that when I was married there would be certain things my husband would never know:
- He wouldn't know that I bleach the little hairs on my upper lip.
- He wouldn't know sometimes smelly gases escape my body.
- He wouldn't know that, when I'm sick, I stuff tissues up my nose and let them hang there because I'm tired of blowing my runny nose.
- He certainly wouldn't know that, in moments of desperation, I revert to my mom's secret ingredient: apple cider vinegar.
My mom is convinced that either baking soda or apple cider vinegar will fix or clean almost anything. When I was a teenager, she would mix a concoction of water and the vinegar, dab it onto a cotton ball, and sometimes chase me around the house trying to help me "dry up those pimples."
For the past two and a half years I've been using ProActiv, which has kept my skin clear and beautiful and which might be deserving of a review by the Beauty Editor.
However.
For the past two days I've been dealing with a stress zit. The kind that isn't so much of a zit – it's more of its own solar system attached to my cheekbone. The center looks inflated and juicy, and puffs out its proud display of puss. It has a half-inch radius of faint redness on all sides, and is so tender that it hurts even when I smile. (Or smirk. Or grimace. Whichever.)
Last night after Roger went to bed, I decided to poke at it a little - I like to do what I can to help my blemishes along in their short lives. I poked and prodded and then washed my face and poked some more. And then it started bleeding, without so much as a warning. I thought it would be a perfect time to apply my mom's homemade remedy, so the apple cider vinegar could actually get under my skin to the bacteria, instead of just being swiped on top of my skin.
And then it occurred to me: if apple cider vinegar works when it is diluted by water, it will work even better at full-strength. And if it works when swiped, certainly it will have lasting power if I hold it on top of my blemish for a long period of time. Like, all night.
I dabbed a cotton square with the apple cider vinegar and folded it in thirds. It seemed to me that the only way I could keep it on my face all night would be to tape it there, so I got out a band-aid, placed the folded cotton square in the center, and smushed it directly on top of my pimple.
And then I stared at myself in the mirror because: I just taped a vinegar-soaked cottonball to my face. On purpose.
I ran in to our dark bedroom, jumped in bed, and laid there while my face marinated in vinegar. And lo, it was smelly.
This morning as Roger was leaving for work, he leaned over to give me a kiss. I thrust my head into my pillow and wailed, "Noooo! I'm trying to protect you!" (?)
Don't ask. I was still sort of sleeping.
He amiably said, "It's okay if your breath doesn't smell good, sweetie."
My eyes popped open and I gave him The Look. Ugh! He's talking about my breath and I was talking about the stench from the apple cider vinegar. Whatever.
After he left, I crawled out of bed and stood in front of the mirror, inspecting my band-aid. It was still secure and successfully holding my cotton square in place. I carefully peeled it off and leaned in closer to the mirror. It was still red and puffy and sore, but the center (where the puss had once been) had formed a concave scab.
Now that I'm at work, my blush is masking the redness and puffiness, but my scab is so dark that I look like I have a carcinogenic mole on my cheekbone. Which is fine, if (a) everyone sees me from a distance for the rest of the week and (b) people at work had never seen me before and didn't know any better.
Obviously, ProActiv isn't working so well for me anymore.
Technorati: home remedies, apple cider vinegar, pimples, acne, skin care
Comments
"And then it started bleeding, without so much as a warning."
Stigmata, perhaps? Are you The Chosen One, Chirky?
Also, Chirky buys generic Cheez-Its and puts them into a Nabisco brand box so when company comes over they won't know they're generic. And she picks her nose. (Daily Ridiculous Insult.)
Posted by: Jurgen Nation | August 24, 2006 11:12 AM
Not only that, but I got the Nabisco box from the dumpster behind my apartment.
Posted by: jes | August 24, 2006 11:16 AM
My mom once put the membrane of an egg on a never-gonna-pop mountain of a zit I had in Jr. High. She read in a magazine that if you crack an egg and peel that thin, whitish lining inside the shell on a pimple, it will bring the stuff to the surface so you can pop it. It didn't work. But it didn't leave a concave scab on my face either. You poor thing. Just give it some time, it will heal up.
Posted by: Ang | August 24, 2006 11:29 AM
My mother's remedy for all things zit-related was Neosporin even though that stuff is so greasy and it smeared everywhere and made you look like you were sweaty and moist.
Gross. I hate the word moist.
Anyways. So you tried keeping all of those things from Roger, huh. But instead, here you are telling the Internet. That's the story of my life too, sister. Especially option C. I practically LIVE with tissues stuck up my nose. I know, you probably would never have guessed.
Posted by: Emily | August 24, 2006 11:39 AM
At least it wasn't Windex - remember from My Big Fat Greek Wedding? anyone? *crickets*
Posted by: CPA Mom | August 24, 2006 12:29 PM
From my own experience, Proactiv doesn't work.
Sorry you had such a whopper of a pimple. I totally know what you're going through! I deal with that at least once a month...
However, something I am using that works WAAAAY better than Proactiv is this new stuff called "Acne Free". I know, dumb name, right? Well, it works!
Read more about it here.
Posted by: Sarah-Jean | August 24, 2006 12:43 PM
A concave scab is way better than a mountainous, pussy zit any day of the week.
I don't know how you slept with the smell of vinegar next to your nose all night. Ugh.
Posted by: heather | August 24, 2006 12:58 PM
My mom used to pour olive oil in my ear when I had an ear-ache and then she'd stick a cotton ball in there to keep it in.
When I got married my husband tried to buy a bottle olive oil for cooking and I was totally grossed out. I was all "You want to put EAR MEDICINE on my pasta?!" I can't even smell olive oil without my ear hurting a little.
Thanks mom.
Posted by: Jenny | August 24, 2006 01:16 PM
my mom use to just beat me...
Posted by: steve | August 24, 2006 02:26 PM
ok that is TOTALLY not true... she loves me!@
Posted by: steve | August 24, 2006 02:27 PM
When I was single, I couldn't wait to get married just so I could reveal A through C and there would be nothing he could do about it. Bwah ha ha [evil laugh].
Posted by: -R- | August 24, 2006 03:18 PM
HE HE HE. Trying to protect the innocent, eh? It's a worthy cause but not always attainable.
That's why I avoid mirrors.
I think the clogged pore on my cheek just grew exponentially after reading this post.
Thanks.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | August 24, 2006 04:13 PM
Too cute.
My mom used to put this "drawing salve" stuff on my face when I had a zit. It was black, and smelly, and I'm pretty sure it was made for horses (my mom used a LOT of horse remedies on us kids)... and really, I don't think it ever worked.
OH! Or she'd scaled us with hot compresses, trying to get rid of zits.
I was mostly tortured as a child.
Now I pick at the zit until it bleeds, soak the thing in rubbing alcohol (OWW OWW OWW) and then put neosporin on it. It hurts bad enough that my face is basiclly too afriad to break out. (hmmmm maybe the torture gene runs deep)
Anyway, I think the scab look fine. Much better than a zit. I'll have to try that apple cider vinegar thing.
Posted by: Courtney | August 24, 2006 04:45 PM
At least it matched your shirt. :-)
Posted by: Caryn | August 24, 2006 10:07 PM
Umm yeah my mom was the sickest of them all! As soon as she saw a zit she'd pop it! Yep that's right.. pop it. Not try to make it magically go away, POP IT.
I've just started trying this Neutrogena called advanced solutions- complete acne therapy system.. so far, so good. We shall see how it fairs in the long run.
Posted by: ms thang | August 25, 2006 05:24 AM
OMG, you are so funny. It's fine! You look great! I use Proactive too, and sometimes your body just overrides it.
That look on your face is hysterically priceless.
Posted by: jonniker | August 25, 2006 07:38 AM
My hubby walked behind me as I was reading this and wanted to know why on EARTH you had cotton taped to your face.
So I read it to him and, we're laughing WITH you Jes, not at you.
The scab thing is 1000 times better than the pus thing. blehh
And vinegar smells so badly, I don't know how you went to sleep without a nose plug.
Posted by: Jayleigh | August 25, 2006 10:18 AM
I have sworn by Palmers Cocoa butter and vitamin E stick for about 10 years and I always will. When you notice a zit appearing put that on there before your makeup and before going to bed. It will be gone SO fast. Its also great for chapped lips, AND it smells like chocolate, but not so strong that other people wonder if your shampooing with Hershey's syrup.
Posted by: Sara | August 25, 2006 03:27 PM
this almost made me pee my pants laughing.
Posted by: k8 | August 25, 2006 04:28 PM
"The center looks inflated and juicy, and puffs out its proud display of puss. It has a half-inch radius of faint redness on all sides ..."
Love the description there. lol
And CPA Mom totally stole my Windex comment idea. *sigh* :)
Posted by: my life is brilliant | August 25, 2006 04:29 PM
I used to get these big zits on the end of my nose when I was in high school. Fortunately, that doesn't happen to me anymore.
Posted by: Ben | August 25, 2006 05:13 PM
Love the Windex reference, CPA Mom.
Nice cheesy slam from Samantha at Jurgen Nation.
Courtney - HORSE stuff? Yikes.
Jes, once again your hilarious outlook on life's little detours made me LOL. You were so what I needed this morning. Keep it coming sister.
Posted by: juliness | August 28, 2006 09:24 AM
I just don't get it... that bandage is on your right side.. but the scab is on the left? what's up?
Posted by: Donna | March 10, 2007 09:21 PM
Donna: The first image was taken of my reflection in a mirror, so it reflected the image backwards. The blemish, in both pictures, was on the left side of my face. :)
Posted by: jes | March 11, 2007 12:53 AM
Hon
I think you underplayed the nudge you gave that pimple. Fix your eyebrows and you will be gorgeous. They need an old fashioned arch.
Posted by: Mary Lou Looz | March 15, 2007 04:18 AM