BlogHer '06: A Drunken Orgy of Estrogen
August 01, 2006
I haven’t barhopped since my freshman year of college, when I was underage and only had access to the wine coolers and beer at fraternity parties, so I am fairly ignorant about mixed drinks. Throw in a limited bar that doesn’t carry my standard Midori or Amaretto (Sour), and this is what you might hear me order:
”Um, can you just make me a drink that is maybe a little sweet?” “But I don’t want it to taste at all like alcohol.” “Oh - and can it be pink?”
And then I smile sweetly and flutter my eyelashes for good measure. I usually just get a blank stare or furrowed brow in return, but the bartender at BlogHer on Friday night must have felt pity for me because he grabbed a glass, poured a suicide of liquid into it, presented it to me sans the cute paper umbrella and named it a Pink Nympho.
I think it's fair to say that this proves my theory that men are thinking about sex 70% of the time.
I grabbed "dinner" – a few cubes of chicken and some crackers & cheese - and walked around gabbing with women who quelled my intimidation and brought forth my inner nerd. I somehow found myself verbally vomiting all over Alice of Finslippy, and for that I am infinitely sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't talk to her the rest of the conference because: I think she was a bit scared of the crazy talky person who cannot shut up and just talks, talks, talks until everyone is staring at her wondering why she is still talking. Heh. Hi.
Instead, I just took her picture and then quickly turned away when I saw the zany, wild eyes she was giving me, as if to say, "Yes, I'm nice and easy to talk to and I have very soft skin, but you are scary and maybe I will cut you with a very dull blade if you say one more word or take one more picture, especially because you are pretending to not take my picture, but I think that we both know what is happening here." Or, that's how I interpreted it.
One of the sponsors for BlogHer was a wine company, and they set up several stations around the pool where they gave away free wine and beer for us to sample. I am neither a wine nor a beer drinker, but that didn't stop me because IT WAS FREE and I felt obligated to partake because I am my mother's daughter and if something is free, or even on sale, we get it (which, incidentally, is also the reason we each have several bottles of capers in our respective pantries). This is also the reason that I gleefully accepted from BlogHer the swag they gave each of us, like bibs and books and new online accounts for services I probably won't use and t-shirts advertising condoms that I probably won't ever wear (neither the tshirt nor the condom, mind you).
The Pink Nympho and the wine and the lack of a proper meal proved too much for my digestive system, and I realized I was drunk before the sun even set. At first I thought that it would be fun to have a tape recorder because: drunk conversations! And then I was glad I didn't have a tape recorder because: drunk conversations.
It wasn't until I got back to my room on Friday night that I began to feel sick – which I suppose is appropriate because if you're going to be sick? Please don't be sick in public – I was dizzy and holding on to the wall and I was amazed that I made it back to my room with my camera and wallet and room key.
It was in that brief moment that I knew the toilet and I would be bonding over the next six hours. And I vomited. Eight times. Not much was there except red wine, which oddly, was kind of a pretty color in the toilet. Or so I recall in my (Mom: it was totally accidental) state of drunkenness.
Now that I'm home, I'm (a) mourning the end of BlogHer and (b) recalling Friday night with dread. Suddenly, I've remembered why I stopped barhopping in the first place. I'm also remembering that I had been podcasted during some of those drunk conversations. And then I remembered the content of those conversations. And then I died.
Comments
Could've been worse. Public vomiting isn't pretty.
Posted by: Mo | August 1, 2006 02:16 PM
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i wanted a drunk conversation phone call and I would have taped it for further pleasure and maybe just a little bit of blackmail
Posted by: Katie | August 1, 2006 02:38 PM
- It's not 70% it's more like 89%.
- It must have been an estrogen get together if there were "little squares of chicken" ( testosterone would have had a "burn your own" grill or rather a, "warm it till rare" grill.)
- free is free
~Jef
Posted by: Thunderfish | August 1, 2006 03:16 PM
Exactly the reason I didn't call anyone. That, and you would have only heard me either snoring or barfing.
Also, for KT: I got a tattoo that said "Blog This" and then (with Lena) took pictures, forever immortalized for all the Internet to see.
I'm not giving links to podcasts: even I have my limits of self-deprecation.
Posted by: jes | August 1, 2006 03:21 PM
OMW. The visuals, THE VISUALS!!!
I want to know more about who you met and that sort of thing... did I miss a post? Let me go check.
Posted by: eddo | August 1, 2006 03:30 PM
AHAHAHAHAHA I want that picture, oh sweet jessica how you do make me smile
Posted by: Katie | August 1, 2006 03:50 PM
You know what's funny? EVERY post I have read about BlogHer has been about how tongue-tied the writer got when trying to meet some blogger they admire. So clearly you're not alone. And also, this tells me we should all get over it and introduce ourselves freely because we're all insecure inside but shouldn't be. (Of course the wine helps. But next year? More food with the wine. Poor Jes!)
(Btw, this is all easy for me to say since I wasn't there, and next year in Chicago I will be all hiding in the corner wanting to go talk to people but feeling tongue-tied...)
Posted by: Lawyerish | August 1, 2006 04:21 PM
I think you meant SWAG (stuff we all get)
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=swag
And not schwag (low grade marajuana)
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schwag
... or was you at a different conference than me?
:)
Posted by: Courtney | August 1, 2006 04:30 PM
No, No. I actually meant the marijuana. Courtney: don't pretend you weren't there.
(fine. i changed it.)
Posted by: jes | August 1, 2006 04:36 PM
I'm such a whore. How did I NOT meet any of those ladies? All I did was stare at Melissa from Suburban Bliss. What's wrong with me??
Although.
I did have the good sense to avoid the "wine". I think I saw a box. Yeah, no.
Posted by: Lena | August 1, 2006 05:17 PM
I also had one of those pink drinks of death. And then I went over to smoke, and after talking to Mocha and Fizzle (who are both seven feet tall and supermodel gorgous), I caught sight of your nametag and screamed "Are you really Jes from Just Say Jes? SHUT...UP!!!" And I think I scared you a little bit, but then we got to talking about the definition of Chirky (which I have totally forgotten), and then one of the lesbian bloggers yelled the "C" word, and you laughed so hard you ended up sitting on the ground.
The next morning, I woke up drunk. The end.
Posted by: Elizabeth | August 1, 2006 07:32 PM
Elizabeth: The next morning I woke up, and I was still drunk too.
I thought perhaps someone had stolen my liver because: not filtering. Or is that my kidney? Whatever.
Back to my point: it was 2:00 the next afternoon before I started feeling normal again.
Posted by: jes | August 1, 2006 07:49 PM
Oh Jes. That stinks. The vomiting, I mean. The rest of it sounds entirely too familiar. Including waking up drunk on Saturday morning. I'm convinced that's why I didn't feel worse than I did, and by the time I could have felt hungover, I was drinking again.
Well, that ought to finish me off in case I ever decide to run for public office. Wheeeee!!
And WHY wasn't there any schwag in my swag bag? Not cool.
All right. Now I'm really screwed.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | August 1, 2006 08:35 PM
I saw your tattoo on your left breast on www.mommybloggers.com!!!!
You go girl!
Posted by: Heidi | August 1, 2006 09:08 PM
So cool. I mean, not the barfing, but the post. You are so funny.
I think I would be the person being all tongue tied if I saw you because HELLO, it's JES.
:-)
Posted by: Jayleigh | August 1, 2006 10:53 PM
The dreaded drunk conversations. Oh, I hate those! The regret the next day, the worry about what you might have said but can't remember... But, it does sound like you had ya some fun nonetheless! I'm still envious!
Posted by: Ang | August 2, 2006 08:57 AM
Speaking as one of the women at your table that fatal Friday night, armed with a PINT of wine to consume, I'd have to say that I thought you were pretty funny. Especially when you decided to take these "covert" photos of the Really Famous Bloggers but then shouted out that you'd taken their picture immediately after the deed was done. THAT rocked.
And I'm with you...it is too early to plan for next year, my Pink Nymph?
Posted by: juliness | August 2, 2006 09:32 AM
Wow.
The comments are so...so...so revealing, Jes! The whole thing made me giggle – out loud, of course – at the precise moment my boss walked past my office. He popped his head in and inquired what was so funny. Turning red, I quickly replied that attendance at the upcoming workshop will be over 100, which I find humorous (apparently). Guess he bought it because he nodded and walked away towards the copy room. Crisis averted?!
Posted by: Deals | August 2, 2006 10:59 AM
I'll tell you, I don't regret meeting you but I do regret THAT PICTURE holy Jesus. Gack.
You were cute and not at all how you think you were. Silly lady.
Posted by: alice | August 2, 2006 11:16 AM
Sounds like you had a lot of fun! I almost feel like there was a Cool Club meeting and I totally didn't even know about it. :(
At least I'm blog friends with a couple of people who went to the Cool Club meeting. Does that make me cool by association?
Posted by: my life is brilliant | August 2, 2006 12:32 PM
Oh! How did I miss this one? Hmmm...
But bringing out your inner nerd! There is no better compliment! : )
smooches.
Posted by: kerrianne | September 2, 2006 06:04 AM