Chirky: A Melancholy 28

The last few days have been weepy and awkward. I’ve felt the highs of joy, excitement and contentedness, and I have felt the lows of restlessness, sadness, numbness. And I have no tangible reason for my emotions.

And, no, I'm not pregnant.

My family members are healthy. I have a nice (albeit sometimes boring) job. My husband is the most amazing guy I know – I’ve never felt so secure or so loved by another person.

Today, I am 28 years old. I do not know what the day has in store. I do know that, so far, my life has not been the culmination of prettiness and perfection that I once imagined as a fur-coat-wearing child. And yes, that was real fur, rabbit fur, because my grandmother knew what every four-year-old girl truly wants: pearls and rabbit fur and to prance around in her mama's stilettos and lipstick.

I’ve never been the girl who began planning her wedding before she completed Kindergarten. I was too busy trying to flash the “I love you” symbol with my fingers to all the boys, except I always held up the wrong three fingers: I chose to use the fingers that say, “I’ll have three cookies, please” or “I only want three of those magic mushrooms, thankyouverymuch.” That should have been my first clue that I would be a late bloomer.

Although I didn’t know whether I wanted tulips or orchids (and it’s a good thing a married such an opinionated designer, lest I still be standing with my florist, trying to “envision” the look of the event), I did know that I wanted to be a mom.

I’ve always loved to write, but never knew whether it could be a career. Beyond anything else, my heart’s desire was to be for my child what my mom was for me: the mom who played with me until I was old enough to go to school, who greeted me at the door when I came home from school, who drove me to all of my extra-curricular activities, who went on bike rides with me to pick blueberries.

I imagined that I would marry by the time I turned 26, which I did, but just barely. I imagined that I would have my first child by the time I was 28, which I … haven’t. Things just don't always turn out how we think they will. Roger and I are still probably several years from having children.

So here I am, contemplative and melancholy and perhaps a bit misty-eyed, maybe with a stomach too full of Mexican food and maybe I keep burping tortilla chips that are acidic and sting a little, and I’m wondering how the rest of my life will unfold. Will we get 100% out of debt? Will we have children? Will we buy a house and live the Great American Dream: The Mortgage? Will we have an opportunity to move overseas? Will Roger and I travel the world, visiting quaint villages and the purest beaches? Will our kids be at least manageable? Will we regret having children? Does anyone (who wants children) regret it later?

When I was young, I didn’t factor in the trivial things in life, like debt. And financial security. And my own selfishness. And now I’m a little confused about my pretty and perfect plan, because most days I wouldn’t want my life to be any different than it is (other than living in Dallas - I could take it or leave it).

It's a melancholy day. A day full of uncertainty. But a good day, at that.

Comments

To start off, happy birthday to a fellow nightowl! All of us wish we could stick to the plan we make when we are children. I planned on growing up, going to college, becoming either an astronaut or a cowboy (I was 5), getting married, having a bunch of kids, and living a perfect life. While I did go to college, I am not by any means an astronaut. I did raise some cattle in high school, but that doesn't make me a cowboy either. I did meet a woman I thought I loved, so I married her. Couple of years later, the divorce was final (thank god). Several more years of crap jobs (didn't quite get to finish college) and crap relationships. Many lonely depressed nights trying to figure out where things went wrong, and why my life didn't end up being what I wanted it to be. Then I met my Sara. I couldn't help but marry her, and with her daughter in tow, I now have the family I always wanted. Life is finally on track here in Dallas (I like it here hehe), and I firmly believe that even if our lives don't follow the path that we want, or the plan that we want, we all end up where we are supposed to be. I know it can be disappointing sometimes that we may not have everything we expected or hoped for, and I offer as many warm and friendly hugs as it takes to make you feel better, but I also will tell you to have faith that your life will unfold as it is meant to. Who can say what that will entail, but in the end I'm sure you will have everything you desire. Maybe not on your timetable, but hey... Since when does everything happen the way we want? I wouldn't want to deny myself the adventure of the unknown. I never could have imagined being where I am now, and I have been through hell to get here. Makes me a better person for it, and helps me appreciate it soooo much more! Hang in there. Life is long, and you have plenty of time to achieve all your dreams! Don't forget to enjoy it!

Posted by: Mikey | July 13, 2006 03:29 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! WOO HOO!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! WOO HOO!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

Posted by: steve sporre | July 13, 2006 03:38 AM

Happy Birthday!

As much as we try to imagine our lives and plan them, it will NEVER turn out how we envisioned. That's the wonderful, and sometimes scary, mystery of life.

One thing you can always count on is change.

Be blessed for who you have, thankful for what you have and remember that life is what you make of it. Every day.

Happy 28th!

*By the way, I didn't have my first baby till 31 and I have to say I'm glad!

Posted by: Jenn | July 13, 2006 08:24 AM

Happy Birthday, Jes!!!

{glaring a little at someone still being in her twenties -- so young!}

Honestly, I had such a Plan when I was younger, and now I know that (1) the Plan, while maybe realistic, wasn't necessarily Me; and (2) if I'd followed the Plan, I would probably be super-discontent right now, because, at 30, I am just starting to figure it all out.

It was kind of a relief, turning 30, because I felt like, after a very tumultuous time in my 20s, I was starting to get my shit together. I don't have a New Plan yet; but it's kind of nice to live in the space where I'm pretty content but also thinking about how to best make things happen in the way that will be true to myself.

Selfish? Maybe. But that's ok. We only have one shot (as far as we know); best to make it count for ourselves and the ones we love, and add on new people if and when we're ready. It's good to take stock and all, but to realize that what's happening now is probably part and parcel of a bigger plan and even the in-between can be enjoyable -- something you'll look back on years later and go, "We were happy then, too."

Posted by: Lawyerish | July 13, 2006 08:56 AM

Happy birthday, Jes! I know how you feel, a little bit. I was planning to be married by 21, and now, almost two years later . . . I know it's no tragedy when things don't work out how you plan them, but there's still a sense of disappointment.

But I know in my own life that there have been things I didn't plan that turned out to be wonderful mistakes that made me a better person in many ways. Of course there are mistakes that turn out to be horrible, but there are plans that turn out horrible, too. The most important thing to remember at all times is that nothing is in our hands, life will unfold as it will, and that usually things turn out for the best, even if we don't realize it for fifty years.

Motherhood is a tremendous gift, and it can't be forced. So is marriage, by the way. You're fortunate to have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man. (Hear the envy? :) )

Here's to another wonderful year, and I hope that things work out this year both for the best and according to plan. :)

Posted by: Lia | July 13, 2006 09:09 AM

Happy Birthday!
I was feeling the same right before my "28" just one week ago....
I have an amazing son...light of my life...I have a great job with a future (although I want a different future), I dont have the husband (or even anyone asking me out...), I dont have the house (although I have a great apartment) and I am not where I thought I would be...
I try to take solace that I am right where God wants me to be, but I question that quite a bit more than I think I should.
No matter your age, you will question your life....at this point you want children and are waiting for the right time...when the time comes, there will still be days and times you will question your choice to be a mother. You will long for the times you could just get in the car and go, get through a meal in peace (or even a shower or a trip to the potty), sleep in or just 'be'...
The majoirty of the days though, you will just long to be the mommy you are.
Like the song "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you", whoever "you" is...every day is a lesson preparing you for the person you are meant to be when you meet the "You" you are destined for.

Posted by: Willow | July 13, 2006 09:10 AM

Don't fret. Everything always works out! I know that sounds so cliche, but it is true, I think.

Posted by: Ang | July 13, 2006 09:24 AM

I didnt have my wedding planned out as a child either, but I was under the impression that people graduated from high school, went to college, joined a fraternity/sorority (seriously I thought everyone did), graduated and got married pretty much right out of college. Thank god I didnt marry that guy. But that guy being such a clown brought me back to Atl to Jay, and now at home I have a wedding dress hanging in my closet, chillin until the big day. Everything happens for a reason. And its perfectly normal for the idea of motherhood to be exhilerating and really scary all at the same time.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 13, 2006 09:32 AM

the above comment was me, i wasnt trying to be anonymous

Posted by: sara | July 13, 2006 09:33 AM

happy birthday friend, i love you tons and am so blessed to have a friend like you in my life (now I will go back and read about your melancholiness)

Posted by: Katie | July 13, 2006 10:39 AM

You live in a zoo.
You look like a monkey.
And you smell like one too.

Happy day Jes!!

Posted by: Courtney | July 13, 2006 10:52 AM

Happy birthday!

Life never turns out exactly how we planned it - it just doesn't. And yeah, it's angsty and painful and...full of debt and torture and gah, just all of it, but it's all good and it WILL be all good. I think we all just have to let go a little of what we thought we'd have and enjoy what we ended up with.

God, that's so much easier said than done. I do it too. Much love to you.

Posted by: jonniker | July 13, 2006 11:05 AM

Happy Birthday Jes, the woman who leads My Other Life, debt and all. Maybe you're interested in buying my baby?

Kidding, just kidding.

I hope you have a fabulous day. You sound like you could use one.

Posted by: Emily | July 13, 2006 11:53 AM

Oh my dear sister! I can TOTALLY relate to everything you said - completely! I had a birthday that felt the same way about a year before college graduation and before I started dating Mark. Then BAM! Mark came into my life, I flew through graduation, got married....and then that feeling hit again. But this time it was the nagging desire to have a little one. With Mark's age (yes ladies, I married a man 10 years older than me) I knew we didn't have years to think about it but the thought of being SO responsible scared me to death. We decided to try and get pregnant. Then another BAM! you want a kid, you go one. I was pregnant the following month. FREAK OUT! So, the moral of this story is that right about the time I'm feeling blue or that my life should be more than it is, is when something WONDERFUL happens. Hang in there.

Take a different approach and look at all the great things about your life. I can make a BIG list if you really want me to! My name might be at the top of it :-) So here's a little list to get you started: your BEAUTIFUL, you live life to the fullest, you have a relationship with God that keeps you centered and humble, you have an incredible husband, you have lots of family who love every little thing about you(our wonderful little "sugar lips"), you now know how to avoid a stump and can swiftly find the bildge pump on a boat and honestly, compared to most people around the world you are doing great financially...I could go on and on but I'll let you finish.

Jess - it's your BIRTHDAY. A day to celebrate the fact that you have an awesome opportunity to experience this earth. You get to wake up everyday! You have the ability to love so many people and experience being loved. Celebrate life today!

Posted by: Deb (mom to Chase, sister to Jess) | July 13, 2006 12:20 PM

Happy birthday Jes! I'm sorry you're feeling down. If it makes you feel better, I'm 22 and I know who I want to marry, but I don't have my wedding planned.

I think you have a lot to be thankful for. You have such a wonderful sense of humor. I absolutely love reading your blog. You write such great things about your husband and your family. I'm sure the fact alone that you want a child so much and want to be there for him or her shows you'll be a great mother. And the fact that it's coming later than your ultimate plan -- to me, anyway -- means you'll be that much better and that much more thrilled when it does happen. And that much more ready, which means less regrets.

I hope you get to feeling better about things -- and quick. It's your birthday! Go celebrate. :)

Posted by: my life is brilliant | July 13, 2006 12:42 PM

Happy Birthday Again Jes!

I think right now you are being wise with your decision making and planning. I think sometimes we put too high expectations on ourselves in some areas and not high enough in others. I also believe that everyone wishes that their lives were different to some degree, but that is kind of what makes life fun. It is challenging. Could you imagine how awful it would be if you had all the money you wanted, the perfect kids, the perfect husband, the perfect friends, the perfect church and you were still unsatisfied? Because I think in reality we would.

Here is a birthday gift from Nicol Sponberg...her song Resurrection.

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

Posted by: eddo | July 13, 2006 01:12 PM

Happy birthday Jes.

I too had a white rabbit fur coat. Bought for me by my grandmother when I was four. Strange huh?

I loved that coat.

Posted by: Mo | July 13, 2006 01:13 PM

Happy Birthday Chirky!

It's okay to be melancholy at times. No problems with that.

Keep your chin up.. Jes!

Posted by: Ben | July 13, 2006 01:48 PM

Hpy. B-day, again.

(Ha! I left the shortest comment on here today!)