"We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what we are."
June 09, 2006
Sometimes I wonder what triggered my depression two years ago. It could have to do with a new marriage. Life changes can be stressful. It could have to do with feeling that I had lost myself, even though I had gained a life partner. It could have been because my husband and I were both unemployed, stretching his severance and the money we received as wedding gifts to make ends meet. But I really think that the underlying trigger for my depression was my shame.
I have learned a lot about shame in the past two years. I have learned a lot about myself in the past two years. I have learned that marriage was not a loss of self, but an addition to - an enrichment of - me.
I've inflicted the feeling of shame upon myself for a number of reasons, but mostly, it is because I have a fear of being not good enough.
Am I a good enough wife?
Do I cook well enough?
Is my writing authentic enough?
Is my hair too stringy?
Are my thighs too wobbly?
Are my eyebrows too disheveled?
Is my home tidy enough?
Do I exhibit enough drive in my career?
Am I spending enough time cultivating relationships?
Are my in-laws glad that their son married me?
Is my husband glad that he married me?
I could continue this list with every fret and worry that plagues me, but I fear I may bore you, literally, to death. You'll be wandering around heaven (or hell, wherever you go) muttering, "That Jes: won't she ever shut up? When will she learn that we're never going to be enough? We're just human."
Shame is a frightful emotion. For me, it pins me down; it reminds me of the many wrong choices I've made. It tricks me into feeling false guilt. I allow it to form fear in my heart - fear of the future, fear of rejection.
Shame manifests itself in petty arguments with my husband, like when he used to call me from work and ask "What's for dinner?" - a question fraught with peril for him - a question that occupied its own counseling session because I would assume he meant, "You've been home for half an hour and don't already have a meal prepared? The laundry isn't clean and the clothes aren't ironed? Get moving, wench." I would burst into tears, or perhaps I would get angry because of my assumptions, and I would sink further into my self-created depression.
Shame manifests itself in my outward appearance, like my weight gain and how I hide behind it in an effort to not be noticed by men.
Shame manifests itself in my thought life each time I rehash my past, past relationships and past choices I've made.
No matter how deeply I understand and employ the boundless nature of grace, no matter how much progress I've made toward dignity and honor, I'm still surprised by shame's grip on my heart.
Comments
Jes-
No long lecture...or comedic response...
Just know that His grace is sufficient. It doesn't feel like it at times for me either... but it is.
whether we get that or not... it's true.
Keep your chin up... I love the fact that you have been so transparent... it provides healing for you and it allows us (your readers) to relate on a deeper level.
Prayin' for ya!
Posted by: ben | June 9, 2006 12:33 AM
i love you friend
simply i love you, all of you, the cheery laughing side that brightens my day, the deep and wise spiritual side that so often ministers to my heart and soul, and the side of you that might not be what you want it to be, but is none the less you, the side of you that makes me feel a little less alone in the world when things are hard and i struggle, because I know that my wonderful friend jes can know where I'm coming from
Posted by: Katie | June 9, 2006 08:31 AM
I wonder sometimes if I am the only person in the world that struggles with guilt and shame...I dont know that it ever goes away.
I joke at times that I have "Jewish Guilt" although both of my parents were raised strick Orthodox and we have no Jewish background at all....
The only option is to deal, reconcile and accept.
Posted by: Willow | June 9, 2006 09:55 AM
Oh, I am so there with you, girl.
Posted by: Meg | June 9, 2006 10:50 AM
I think the fact alone that you're worrying about whether you're doing a good job means that you are. The fact that you care that much is something to be proud of.
If there were more people in the world who worried they were doing a good job and cared like that, it would be a much better place.
Posted by: my life is brilliant | June 9, 2006 12:32 PM
I told my wife she was "an enrichment of – me". That was a cool thing you said. You're right. If you're worried about how well you are doing, you're doing a good job. Remember the opposite of love is not hate, but rather, indifference.
~Jef
Posted by: Thunderfish | June 9, 2006 01:33 PM
I struggle with those feelings, too, especially the fear of rejection. (((hugs)))
Posted by: Maggie | June 9, 2006 04:13 PM
Oh, sista! I feel you. This is a beautiful post.
The world has done a bang-up job of making women feel like we will never, ever measure up. measure up to what, God only knows. We just know we're never there; that ideal is always just out of our reach.
I live in dire fear all the time.
Of failure.
Of messing up at work.
Of letting people down.
Of being thought to be ugly.
Of people not liking me.
Of not being a good enough anything.
And the thing is, I'm a fairly confident, happy person. It's almost like I've gotten so used to those butterflies in my stomach, the fluttering in my chest of anxiety, that it's just...normal.
But being normal doesn't make it right.
Posted by: Lawyerish | June 9, 2006 06:58 PM
Oh Jes.
I understood this whole post perfectly. Identified 100%. It's hard sometimes, and even though it doesn't help to know this, you're never alone, but you know that. We all get it, but only you (and me, and everyone else) can make it right.
xo
Posted by: jonniker | June 9, 2006 09:23 PM
Jes,
We all struggle with feelings of guilt and shame! I think my biggest one is the weight issue too, and fearing I am using it as a masquerade against attention.
You're definitely not alone in this world, and you are perfect just the way you are.. inside and out!
Posted by: Ms Thang | June 10, 2006 05:01 AM
Great post. I gave you some link love
http://linkateria.blogspot.com/2006/06/saturday-link-fun.html
Posted by: Suebob | June 10, 2006 10:39 AM
Jes I deal with the same issues... I hate that I KNOW God's grace covers everything I do, but somehow I still let fear and shame have a foothold in my life. It doesn't belong there, though. Bless you, dear lady.
Posted by: Jayleigh | June 10, 2006 01:42 PM
I can't wait till my fear is driven out when I am made perfect in love.
Hope we get to see you guys again soon.
Posted by: Eric | June 11, 2006 08:36 AM
WOW.
Jess, thank you for opening your heart like that (and of course adding a "dash" of comedic flavor). You really spoke my heart on a very deep level that I've never quite been able to express in my own words.
VERY good stuff.
Thanks :)
Posted by: Stephanie | June 12, 2006 12:34 AM
I worry constantly that I am not enough for those in my life, keeping a list in my head about what I should be doing, how I should be acting, and then look at how I am failing to live up to that list often.
(Today is a sad day for me).
You are wonderful, Jes. Remember that.
Posted by: Lily Bleu | June 12, 2006 11:54 AM
Hi! I followed your link from another blog I read (can't even remember which one, now!) and am diggin' your blog, too.
This post was really well-written! Thanks for sharing - and helping to remind me to let go of some of my own self-imposed shame. A couple years of therapy and an antidepressant have minimized mine a lot, but the shame still rears its ugly head now and again - and my own new marriage is playing into that a lot. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one whose first year of marriage is not quite as storybook/easy/happyhappylala as I feel like it's supposed to be...
Hang in there. (I can't say that without picturing that elementary school guidance counselor picture of the kitten hanging from a tree branch, but...had to say it anyway).
Posted by: Guinness_Girl | June 13, 2006 02:39 PM