Not a light matter
June 07, 2006
My knees sound like chicken bones snapping in half between the jaws of a rabid, mighty-toothed dog. It is impossible for me to get out of bed in the mornings without the entire neighborhood jolting awake to the dreadful crackling sound, despite my attempts to stretch and bend them before I begin my morning routine.
I slowly roll over, drape one leg over the bed, and look at Roger to see if I've woken him yet. Then I throw the other leg over the edge of the bed (while staring at Roger through bleary eyes), and I heave my body upward until I am standing. So far, so good.
And then I move, and cringe while I listen as my knees sputter to life.
My knees generally aren't in pain, unless I am using them, such as when I am backpacking. (Please note that such exercise is a rare occurrence, thus the infrequent pain.)
After our rather unfortunate excursion in the Ouachita Mountains, that expedition in which we cut our trip short after two days because I could no longer handle the one-foot-in-front-of-the-other thing, Roger and I decided that I should have my knees examined.
Since I love having excuses to leave work in the middle of the day, I heartily agreed and made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon in Dallas that works with the Dallas Stars' hockey team. This association makes me feel like this particular doctor knows more than other doctors, the same way I feel like Prada shoes are better than Steve Madden, because Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan? They buy Prada.
The only dissimilarity (only?) is that my insurance covers the difference between this doctor and the others, whereas my insurance doesn't cover the difference between Prada and Steve Madden shoes. Unfortunately, if my insurance did cover that difference, I might never be able to quit my job.
Yesterday The Doctor examined my knee, and it was not quite as spectacular as I imagined it would be. I expected that he would run all sorts of physical tests on my knee, forcing me to run until I was in pain and sweating at my elbows, or perhaps require me to do a series of jumps in which my entire weight was resting on my knee.
I thought that perhaps he would hook up a series of electromagnetic sensors and observe my knee across several monitors, and then come back to me with a grave look on his face and say, "Jes, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're going to have to replace your kneecap."
No such occurrence! He felt my knee, bent it in directions that I didn't think it was possible for a knee to bend, and then he asked me about four hundred questions. He discussed with me the problems with me knee, speaking in medical terms, and though I understood what he was saying at the time, I couldn't remember a word of it ten minutes later when I was trying to explain to Roger about my appointment.
I had a follow-up appointment today. A physical therapy appointment. I learned stretches and exercises, and I am to perform these exercises every day for three weeks, at which time I am to reappear to The Doctor for a second evaluation.
During today's appointment, my physical therapist and I were talking about what to do to recondition my knee, and since it can be a sensitive subject, I said, "I'm sure it wouldn't hurt if I lost weight, either."
The physical therapist looked at me and said, "Yes, losing weight would definitely help."
(pause)
"I have lost a total of 54 pounds so far, and I have much further to go, but you'd be amazed at how much of a difference it has made on my knees."
If she hadn't made this last statement, I think I could have easily been perturbed at her, because how dare she agree with me that I need to lose weight? Her last statement qualified her as someone who knows, someone who understands, someone who has been there and is doing something about it.
My weight, over the past few years, has been like a yo-yo. When I went through my depression, I reached my highest weight ever, a weight so high that admitting it to the Internet is embarrassing. Eight years ago, I was a size 6. In the trenches of my depression I was, at times, an 18. And while I am fully responsible for putting myself there, it felt horrible.
Slowly, I am peeling that weight off. For me, it is more of an emotional battle than physical, because I had initially put the weight on as a self-defense mechanism - my own attempt to protect me against the unpredictability of the future.
Now that it is coming off, where does that leave me?
I feel exposed.
Vulnerable.
Out of control.
Uncertain.
and Hopeful.
Comments
oh jes, i'm sorry about the knees . . . when I had ankle problems I went to an ortho that worked with rodeo stars, that made me feel pretty confident in his ability to tell me to wear an air cast anytime I wore shoes (didn't last long though, because air casts and pradas (who am i kidding - steve maddens)don't work well together)
And in the area of weight issues . . . let's just say I understand a good deal of what you are talking about
Posted by: Katie | June 7, 2006 08:39 AM
Isn't it crazy the way they bend your knees like that? It's really freaky -- especially after you've dislocated it and are terrified they're going to dislocate it again, with only a sympathetic, "Whoops!" or Urkel-like, "Did I do that?"
I'm glad you're on the way to getting them all better, though. I hope you get more comfortable about losing the weight. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself and things in general -- and I especially hope it makes your knees feel better!
Posted by: my life is brilliant | June 7, 2006 10:32 AM
I thought that was an exray of YOUR knee. SO misleading. I am losing weight as well. Ran 4 miles yesterday... so that is a step in the right direction. I didn't gain it because I was depressed... I just gained it because I ate junk food by the fistfulls... anyway... Hope you lose a lot of weight and that your knees get better and that you remain hopeful.
Posted by: ben | June 7, 2006 11:06 AM
As someone who used to have MAJOR control issues re: food (but in the opposite direction), I know exactly how you feel in terms of the vulnerability and the EEEEP! of changing all the mechanisms you have put in place to comfort yourself. But you will conquer them. It will be scary at times, but you'll do it. You'll figure out new mechanisms, healthy ones, that work for you and that keep you where you want to be mentally and physically. Those scary feelings may always sort of skulk about in your subconsciousness, but that's ok; they are part of who you are. And you'll probably have freak-out moments, but that's ok, too (I have had some uuuuuugly breakdowns over the years); you'll get through them. The hope will win out.
Anyway, it seems like you're doing great already, and you have a great support system. Take care of those knees.
Posted by: Lawyerish | June 7, 2006 12:34 PM
So sorry about your knee!
I think just about every woman has an emotional issue with weight. Extra weight on any woman causes more issues. I weighed more starting off with this baby than the first and I can tell the difference by the increased discomfort in my hips and back.
You DO have a great support system and I'm sure everyone will be more than happy to continue that support as you lose more weight to help out, if nothing else, your knees :)
Posted by: Jenn | June 7, 2006 03:14 PM
I have bad knees too. I hate it. Glucosamine and chondroitin are a huge help, but are expensive and take 6-8 weeks before they begin to help. Stretches help, but they still do ths snap-crackle-pop. And I have to tell you, I lost 71 pounds. And I am now down to a 16 (I'm 6' tall so not THAT bad) and the weight loss DOES help.
Good luck sweet lady!
Posted by: Jayleigh | June 7, 2006 04:25 PM
OUCH on the knees.
Regarding the weight: I don't deal with it the same way, but I understand the feeling. It's hard to peel back those layers and see what's there, and live with the challenges we create for ourselves.
But you can do it, and it's worth it. If anyone can do it, in fact, you can.
Posted by: jonniker | June 7, 2006 10:34 PM
Jes... the hopeful part is what is important. You have matured soooo much in the last few years and you have grown! You are a different person than you were when I first met you - hopefully we are all different after 6+ years. But anyway, back to you - I think you are doing great and if nothing else these blog posts keep getting better!
Much Love.
Posted by: eddo | June 8, 2006 08:57 AM
My suggestion with the weight loss is to replace the eating with working out. When you get that bored feeling that makes you want to munch, drink a large glass of cool water and walk around a bit. Wear ankle and wrist weights and join a gym.
Since I have been working out, I have felt better, more energized and so empowered I actually have self confidence...something that has eluded me for years. I have to admit the gym is an addiction (6 times a week) but it is a good addiction....You will find your place and comfort in your own skin if you just keep on track.
Posted by: Willow | June 8, 2006 10:21 PM