Intruders: Beware
May 17, 2006
Last night I attempted to take out the trash, but I was prevented by circumstances beyond my control.
You see, with trash in hand I flung open the front door only to be greeted by pitch blackness. It caught me so off guard that my entire body flinched and slammed the door shut before the hairless green monster-like intruder (the ones that were certainly outside, waiting for me) could force its way inside my home.
And then, trash balanced on my hip, I simultaneously bolted the lock and pressed my body against the door so I could check the premises through the peephole. While doing so, I could only think, "The monster's gun might be pointed at the door right now, and if he aims at the center of the door and pulls the trigger, he could totally shoot me full of gun powder and splinters."
Naturally, I flattened my body against the adjoining wall and craned my neck to see out the peephole, because if the monster had the foresight to aim at the peephole (and subsequently shoot me in the head), I would totally deserve to die. Note to Self: when aiming gun at enemy, shoot the peephole. In self-defense, of course.
I gingerly unlocked the door and pried it open 1/8 of an inch so I could stare at the outdoor light, silently willing it to turn itself on. No wonder I heard the neighbors dashing up the stairs and slamming their doors behind them.
Just then the street lamp and outdoor lights began to flicker on, and I slipped onto the balcony, locked my front door, and made a run for the dumpster. Never mind my jiggly bits, wiggling and wobbling as I ran.
I made it safely back to my front door and locked it behind me as soon as I entered. And then, I heard it. That noise. Sure, it was only the air conditioner kicking in gear, but it was enough to make me jump and I swear I saw a shadow crossing the hallway.
I ran into the bedroom and stealthily shut the door, trying to calm myself. After visiting the red section of my closet, which somehow worked to help me calm down, maybe because am I really this anal?, I snuck up on the bedroom door, standing three feet behind it and straddling the walkway so the intruder couldn't see the shadow of my feet behind the closed door.
I quick! flung it open! for an element of surprise, but no one was there.
Good thing, too, because the mirror attached to the back of the door leapt from its fastenings on account of such a forceful opening, and at that moment I couldn't have properly dealt with both an intruder and a flying mirror.
Comments
I once had someone come to my apartment door and knock several times. HARD. I was home alone and was *not* going to open the door to a stranger.
I looked out of the peephole to catch a glimpse of this person banging on my door at 9 at night. I didn't recognize them and moved away from the door. Then I heard this, "I KNOW you are THERE! I can see your shadow in the PEEPHOLE!"
I believe I turned white as a ghost and hauled ass to my master bathroom, phone in hand. Totally believing that at any moment I would hear them breaking in and coming to slaughter me in my bathtub leaving blood stains on my pretty fish covered shower curtain.
As you can see I'm alive and well (well, maybe not well in the sense that I'm probably slightly crazy) and came to the realization that I might be a bit of a drama queen.
Posted by: Molicious | May 17, 2006 11:55 AM
Can't. Breathe. Laughing. Too. Hard...
Never mind my jiggly bits? You're killing me here.
I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to take my trash out tonight. I have no red section to calm me down.
Posted by: heather | May 17, 2006 11:59 AM
I think the thing I am amazed the most about you is that you think of things like "he could totally shoot me full of gun powder and splinters.” Because if the intruder fires the gun and the shotgun pellets go through the door that there will be splinters... which of course there will be... BUT the fact that you have thought enough about it to come to this realization is well... amazing. And that you would lean your body flat against the wall and attempt to look through the peep hole and that you then realized that if you ever are on the other side of the door that you are going to need to aim for the peep hole because then... (this is my realization) you will fill the person's head with gun powder and shards of peep hole glass... This is all somehow entertaining to me. And that is why I LOVE visiting justsayjes.com ANYWAY... If Roger ever left you (which he won't) and if Sydney ever left me (which she won't... (because we both married people so much more cool than we are... that we are SO very undeserving of...)
Hypothetically, IF that ever happened...
then I am standing next in line to be your next Husband. lol.
Posted by: ben | May 17, 2006 12:27 PM
And I need a ")" after the won't...
Posted by: ben | May 17, 2006 12:29 PM
After I just posted and re-read my post... I just realized that is looks like I was just proposing to you.... To clarify:
Roger, I was in NO way proposing to your wife... that is just weird.
The above situation was completely hypothetical.
I am leaving now... I am not sure if I am ever coming back.
Posted by: ben | May 17, 2006 12:31 PM
Ben:
1.) What a compliment!
2.) Thank you for closing the parenthesis
3.) Please! Come back! I promise that Roger won't hate you. He'll just want you to stay in Canada.
Ahahahahahaaaa!!
Posted by: jes | May 17, 2006 12:35 PM
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
(I'd type more HAs, but it's just getting tedious... hmmm, control copy, control paste would have been smart..)
Anyway!!! SOOO FUNNY!!!
Posted by: Courtney | May 17, 2006 12:35 PM
Why didnt you just have Roger take out the trash? I take it he was not home at the time, otherwise you probably would have mentioned his reaction to you going all stealth spy on him- but you could have waited until he came home and asked him to take it out. Thats what husbands are for :) (well partly anyway, they are also in charge of killing bugs in the house)
Posted by: Sara | May 17, 2006 12:42 PM
Husbands are also in charge of opening jars and BBQing.
Posted by: Susan | May 17, 2006 12:54 PM
Sara: You're right. Roger wasn't home yet, and I guess I was determined to take it out. He nearly *always* does it, so I don't know why this didn't occur to me.
Hmmmm...what else are husbands good for?
Trash
Killing Bugs
Opening Jars
BBQing
... oh! I know! Setting up the tent when we go camping. That's TOTALLY the boy's job.
Posted by: jes | May 17, 2006 12:57 PM
Good thing Roger didn't turn out to be the "green monster" you were so worried about. That's hilarious, and the comments are hilarious too. Including Ben McMinn's pseudo-proposal and then recanting.
The splinters would have been the least of their worries.
When I was a kiddo, I would be scared that someone was in my closet. So I'd sleep with my down comforter AND my comforter even in the heat of summer so that if they shot me or stabbed me, my comforters would absorb the brunt of it. Genius, eh?
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 17, 2006 01:32 PM
Jcol- THAT is genius...
You should work for NASA.
Posted by: ben | May 17, 2006 01:34 PM
wow
Posted by: steve | May 17, 2006 01:50 PM
When I was a little girl, I used to be afraid of open closet doors when I went to sleep. I never got over it. The closet door still has to be closed.
Posted by: Susan | May 17, 2006 02:34 PM
Creeeepy picture...
Posted by: Faith in Florida | May 17, 2006 03:39 PM
OMW! You arrange your closet by color, too?! That's amazing! I thought I was the only one!
I also arrange my closet by "type of clothes" in height descending order - also by color. Very complex system.
I also have different drawers for different kinds of T-shirts, but that's another story.
Posted by: Deals | May 17, 2006 03:41 PM
I read this, then read the first comment and felt completely at home. I am not the only one who plays out the entire scene of my demise, heart beating furiously while I chastise myself that I am being ridiculous, that it's insane to still be scared of the dark at my age. (It's for this reason that I can no longer watch shows like Forensic Files). Ah, blogs, they reassure you that you are not as entirely crazy as you may feel.
And may I add that the picture is terrifying?
Posted by: Cam | May 17, 2006 04:06 PM
Ah, people! :)
Isn't it amazing how we can let our imaginations run wild under certain situations however illogical it may be?
Posted by: Tim Rice | May 17, 2006 05:51 PM
Thanks Ben McMinn. But I'll pass, it's too humid down in Houston. No NASA for me.
Posted by: Amstaff Mom | May 17, 2006 09:50 PM
That was soo funny! I sat here and thought and thought what kind of situation might find you aiming a gun at someone's peephole...IN SELF-DEFENSE??? That was hilarious!!
Posted by: Kristi | May 18, 2006 10:23 AM
Setting up tent absolutely. Also- investigator of strange noises
night time feet warmer
adult beverage refiller(including, but not limited to, the making of chocolate martinis)
thats all I have for now
Posted by: Anonymous | May 18, 2006 02:09 PM
I wasnt trying to be anonymous, the additions to the husband job list was me
Posted by: Sara | May 18, 2006 03:38 PM