Chirky

You'd be a fine mother, and dude, it's terrifying, yah. That's not a crazy thought.

HOWEVER, honestly, I think this is one of those things you just adjust to - all mothers I know say that they don't let themselves worry about the unthinkable, because it is just that: unthinkable.

And I'd be shocked if most mothers didn't feel completely inept. SHOCKED. But they aren't, and you wouldn't be either. Quite the opposite.

Because I went to boarding school...

Because the boarding school was all girls...

Because I was socially impaired by the time I reached college (mainly because I hadn't been around the opposite sex since middle school when boys still had "cooties")...

Because I resented the social Greek system on principal (I thought they were throw back organizations from the 1950s that only taught their female members that it was okay to be objectified by frat boys, and that college was all about obtaining a “MRS degree”)…

Because I was a jock and played rugby with the boys…

Because I swore I'd never move anywhere for a boy...

Because I promised myself I'd never move back to Dallas. Ever...

Because I started calling my mother "Grammy Pammy" in an effort to stop her near-constant reminders that she "just cannot wait to be a grandmother" hint-hint-wink-wink...

...I've decided that the so-called biological clock is nothing more than a social construction.

Please note that I live in Dallas, and that I live in Dallas because I met a boy and that boy lived in Dallas. I also may have been in a sorority, and it isn't outside the realm of possibility that at one point or another I might have been a Dallas debutante.

Be that as it may, I am still holding onto the whole biological clock/social construction thing. It’s all I have left.

Plus, I have a dog and my dog is needy. Who needs kids when you have an exceptionally needy dog?

So, there!

Ahhh, now you have reached the pinnacle of my fears. Motherhood. The catalyst on which everything else depends. I fear that I have no biological clock, because I don't hear it ticking in the least bit. That I have no desires of motherhood. No need to be around babies, no warm, fuzzy feelings. That I've had a poor example of what it is. And that my "ability" to shut down my emotions could cause great harm to my kids. I fear because I would be COMPLETELY content to know that I can never have children.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

But it is what I fight. Because if it's all just based on fear, then I don't want to miss out on what could be the most wonderful thing in the world.

This is me. Welcome to my world.

Having children isn't for every woman. Having kids in your 20s really isn't for every woman. I certainly wasn't ready then. But when I got pregnant at 31, I was excited, terrified and sad. Sad that I'd lose my special relationship with my husband. Afraid we'd never be "us" again. That we'd be forever tied to mini-vans, ballet practice, school activities and everything else revolving around children.

In fact, when I first had Bella, it took awhile to fall in love with her and all that she is. But then...I did. She is such a perfect combination of my husband and I, but an incredible individual in her own right. I see my husband in her face. I sense his personality in her...so loving, kind, funny and intelligent. We are excited to show her the world. To travel the world and learn along with her. And now we await baby #2 with still a touch of sadness to lose the three of us, but with enormous excitement of another little being joining our loving family.

There's never a perfect time to get pregnant or have a baby. Fear of the kind of parent you might be is just a sign that you will do your very best to be what you need to for your child.

But, please, don't have a child just to ship him/her off for someone else to raise. There are too many children like that already. You have plenty of time to decide on extending your family. Most important is that you and Roger feel the same about that decision.

I was fearful as well. Its funny I literally felt that clock start to tick and found out that I was pregnant 4 weeks later! I have been fearful during this pregnancy of a lot of what you state, that I will dicipline to hard, or not enough, but here is what I know is true. A Quiverfull of Children is a blessing from the Lord. To train up a child in the way he should go and he will not stray far from it. I know that my Lord God will help me raise this Child and the "quiverful to follow" and it will be his doing that makes them ok, not mine. Children are a blessing from the Lord. I heard something recently that I really liked Jes. God will never give you more children then he planned for you to have but you as a human can loose your blessings, so he can take them a way, after all Children are a Blessing from the Lord. Trust his plan Jes, not your own.....

I think your fears are legitimate, but at the same time, if we didn't venture on the things that feared us...we would never know real joy. I'm a firm believer in taking chances, and while I understand that not everyone is meant to be a mother...the fact that you can even hear your clock ticking (however soft it is), says that it's in you to be a mom. I have no doubt you'd be a great one.

I had my son when I was 22. I turned 23 when he was about 3 months old.
Although I was young, for me it was the right time. Yes, I could have done more and seen more and experienced more but for me, the 'more' I wanted was to be a mother.
I was scared I would do the wrong things and was actually scared to sneeze when I was pregnant for fear of squishing the tiny being inside my abdomen (I actually vocalized this to my OB...not recommended as I have never been looked at with quite that look before or since).
Near everydday I question myself - my ability to love and nurture and protect and encourage - but then I look at how confident he is, how intelligent. I see how he interacts with his peers and with adults. I see how he looks at me and I feel confident that God is helping me. When I question myself, I believe it is my opportunity to see what I have done with God's help to shape my son and enrich this scary, harsh, unforgiving world.
Being a mom is the best gift in the world - not for everyone but for those who are blessed with the desire and the ability to become a mother, it is something that will happen just when and as it should.

Transparent Jes, but still with her personal spice of humor . . . i love that you're showing this side of you. Now on to the topic at hand, hmmmmm babies, they seem so far off in my world, because really they are step 32 of the 104 step program of life and I'm still stuck on step 11. And it isn't that my clock is ticking per se but that my clock might now even keep time, because really can you have a clock that ticks when you have no time to keep.

I don't know that there is ANYONE in the world that is 100% prepared before children. Even in the most "perfect" situation, there are a lot of fears and anxiety about what to do and how to take care of this helpless little thing that relies on you to make his/her world go round. But somewhere between seeing the positive pregnancy test and the moment that you see their face for the first time, it all kicks in and your motherly instincts take over. It's not something to worry about, but rather look forward to. It does change your world in many ways, but for me all of them have been POSITIVE and I feel like Austin and I have both become better people for having a child. :)

Not a mom yet, still working on getting married first, but I have always known I wanted children. I see what wonderful parents mine are and I look forward to being someone's Momma. Every time we are out with our friends who have kids I can see in Jays face how much he looks forward to being a dad. The greatest compliment I ever got was the day my dad told me I was going to be a wonderful mother one day.

Sara,

Please, oh please realize how blessed you are with parents like that. To want your children to have parents like you have, and to hear your dad compliment you in that way.

Please don't take that for granted. What a blessing.

To Holly:

I'm not sure what you meant by this: "...but you as a human can lose your blessings, so he can take them a way, after all Children are a Blessing from the Lord."

I realize that you may have intended this with the purest of hearts, but some of my readers are women who are not able to have children. To them, your comment may sound as if you are saying that God is choosing to not bless them, or that He is choosing to "remove their blessings from them," because they have done something in life to not deserve children.

I don't believe that God is a killjoy. The Bible, and life in general, is ridden with circumstances in which people are burdened by something that they do not necessarily *deserve*.

For example, no one deserves to be barren, or to have certain other health issues that prevent them from conceiving. No child is born mentally handicapped because they deserve it. No person is blinded by diabetes because they deserve it.

It's just something that happens. It is life. It is living through these circumstances and dealing with the issues that plague us that shape us into who we are; not the occurence of these circumstances that suggest who we are because certain areas of our lives have failed.

In an effort to completely kill all of the "deepness" in this post and these comments...

Jes and Roger sitting in a tree...
K I S S I N G!
First comes love (check)
Then come marriage (check)
Then comes the baby in the baby carriage!!!

Jes wants a BABY! Jes wants a BABY!!!!

:)

OK, I'll admit it. I'm a freak. I do not want children. I helped raise my brother and sisters, I take care of everyone and yet I do not in any way, shape or form want children of my own. I never have.

I love kids. Everyone tells me I'd make a great mom but I just don't have the desire for it. Not once when I've been holding a baby have I had a yearning for one of my own.

Everyone says I'll meet the right guy and want to have kids with him. My answer is always - the right guy won't want to have kids.

Jes, fear can be a good thing, as long as you don't let it take over. And any parent will tell you - you will yell at your kids. You will discipline them too much and then some days you won't discipline them enough. You will always wonder if you're teaching them the right things and giving them the right tools to live their lives. Did you do enough? Did you do too much? If being a parent is something you truly want, I think you should go for it. Don't let the fear hold you back from something that you would love.

Courtney,

Cute post... but, just for the record, there will probably be several more years in between lines 4 and 5 of your song! :o)

Hey! You're not supposed to say that, Roger! You're supposed to say, "Suh-weet! Let's go make babies!"

Not, "blah blah blah several more years blah blah blah."

Hmph.

I've always heard no one is ever ready for the next big step. Did you feel ready to be a wife when you got married? You seem to be doing okay in that respect.

Parenting is bigger than that, but go with your instincts. They're there, and they'll help.

Not that I have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about.

Reason #32 for why I don't like MT - It doesn't count up the comments for me and post them at the top of where I am about to post a comment.

Jes - you would be a great mom. Roger on the other hand... just kidding!!!

All parents have fears, and rightly so. It is a big responsibility shaping a child's life. As long as you fix that kid meatballs, give them lots of hugs, and don't force them to play Settlers when they really, really want to play Cranium, then they will turn out all right.

Eddie. You're weird. I don't get #32. You want it to number which comment is yours? Like Dooce's does? Or you want it to do something else?

The thing about Roger is that I compare myself to him. I think he'll make such a great dad, and I don't know that I'll be an equally great mom, and so now you know just one of my insecurities. Don't hold it against me. I'm just a girl.

I'll have to consider the meatball and Settler's strategy. So. When are you coming over for a game of Knights & Cities? Bwaahahahahahahahaaa!!!

Wow... it is soooooo great to hear you ladies express your fear. I have ALWAYS been terrified of being a parent.

My best friend got pregnant at 23 and i remember her telling me that she wasn't going to let me hold the baby until I looked less terrified. I can't even hold a baby!!! I am scared I am going to drop them on their heads, or that everyone will leave the room and I the baby will start choking, or that the baby will cry because it is dying from some disease and I won't do anything about it because I thought the baby was just hungry. WHAT IS MY DEAL??... I just hope that with time the fear of being ready fades away.

ps. my best friend's baby is 1 1/2 and I still haven't held him :(

Jes
I am just refering to scripture. It is a painful thing to deal with infertility as I know many a friend who has delt with it but the bible references more then once the Lord "opening and closing the womb" that is all I am referencing.

the anon reply was me, sorry bout that.

Hey sweetie- I think you and I talked about this before via email, or maybe I dreamed that we talked about it when I dreamt that you and I were running around the water park together going on these crazy water slides into big wave pools and you looked so much better in a bikini than I did. Boo.

Anyway. I struggled with so many of these same emotions, as you know from my posts when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to share my hubby with anyone else. I didn't want to have to be responsible for a little person's life. I didn't want to give up my freedom. But as you know now, she is so so so so worth it. Even worth the pain from childbirth and the massive ripping of my woo-ha and gazillion stitches and having to take stool softeners for a month in fear of hurting those stitches.

You will be a TERRIFIC mom and your baby will be so lucky to have you guys!!!!!

AmStaff Mom:
Yup, I am fully aware how lucky Jay and I are to have parents that are still together (Jays parents 30 years this year and mine 30 years next year). We both had wonderful role models (and yet I had very dysfunctional relationships until Jay, go fig) and my mom talks constantly about how she and my dad are confidant that Jay and I will stay married forever. Its nice that our parents are bursting at the seams with joy over us getting married. (and my mom is totally getting grandma fever)

First, thank you Jes for having the awareness to acknowledge in one of your previous comments that some people who read this blog may not be able to conceive a child. I appreciate that.

Second, I'm so outrageously terrified to be a parent that it takes my breath away sometimes. 5 years ago I didn't want children. 2 years ago I was ambivalent. Today, it's a whole new game. It's not the question of *if* I want to have a child, it's now a matter of *when*.

If I can get pregnant I worry about the pain of child birth. Then there's the money issue. Then there's the childcare issue. It's just so overwhelming. But my desire to be a mom is starting to drown out those fears. I know I have a husband who loves me, who would be a good father, who will stick by me no matter what. That never hurts. But to be somebody's mother could possibly be the greatest feeling ever. To know that you have had such an impact on a human being is so exciting to me. Just to be somebody's mom. Wow.

I don't personally think I have a biological clock in a tick tick tick sense. My whole body tells me that I need to be a mother and it's more like a gasp for breath than the tick of a clock. The longer I go without a child the harder it is to breathe.

I am nearing menopause. All my life, people kept telling me I would want a baby someday. I never, ever did. Not for a moment. I do not regret never having children. They are ok to be around for a little while, but overall I am just not interested.

I love finding all the other women here who feel the same way.

On the other hand, I find Holly a bit scary.