Crack, the other white meat
May 03, 2006
Tonight, standing in the grocery store line, I saw a woman's crack. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if her pants were slung a little too low around her hips. But this: this was from the wrong angle.
As I was watching my groceries move along the conveyor belt, I saw an odd image from my peripheral vision. I saw something dark. And camouflaged. I looked up and was greeted by something mASSive.
I tried not to stare, but I couldn't NOT stare. And then I felt very lesbianish, because all her friends were staring at me staring at her. Which didn't help, because I tried to look away only to look back again in an effort to reassure myself that I wasn't just imagining her butt hanging out of the bottom of her dress.
I desperately wanted to take a picture. But if I whipped out my camera, it would have been a little bit obvious. Plus, I didn't have it with me. And then I realized: I need a camera phone.
Comments
I'm so glad you didn't have a camera!! I think the mental picture along with your drawing is enough to make me shudder for the next few hours.
Please tell me why, why, why would her friends let her go out like that? That's what friends are for - to tell you to get your hoochie-ass back in the bedroom and put some pants on.
Posted by: heather | May 4, 2006 02:26 AM
Gross. But at least her thighs aren't touching. Who drew the pic? You or Roger? Thanks for the great visual. I think.
Ugh. That's just nasty.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 4, 2006 06:55 AM
i'm into that look.
Posted by: jimmy | May 4, 2006 07:05 AM
Ok first off GROSS on what you had to see and then secondly, I would have stared too, if only because HELLO her crack is showing from the bottom and that is just not something you see everyday (thankfully) and then lastly, I am so thankful that I wasn't with you because I think together we might have lost it
and . . . . Jimmy's comment made me bust out laughing (out loud, and when I say loud I mean "Jessica quality" of LOUDNESS
Posted by: Katie | May 4, 2006 08:04 AM
Heather: Her friends were only dressed better by a little bit, and that "little bit" is defined by their bottoms being fully covered. Even if their boobs weren't.
JCol: I drew the picture! Are you so proud??
Jimmy: Ha! I totally guffawed at your comment.
KT: You make me sound like a cackling hen. Can you record that please and post the audio on your site?
Posted by: jes | May 4, 2006 08:43 AM
not a cackling hen but i think it was Eddie who said that between you and me, LOUDNESS in laughter is almost deafening
Posted by: Katie | May 4, 2006 10:12 AM
I just like that she wore THAT to the grocery store of all places...
Posted by: Deals | May 4, 2006 10:35 AM
I'll record y'all and post it for all to hear the sounds of true and abundant laughter.
And yes, Jes, I AM proud of you on your drawing!! I really couldn't tell which one of you did it. You've come a long way since the "K-T falling off the exercise ball" drawings!!!
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 4, 2006 11:07 AM
That you took a double take to ENSURE that you could be accurate in your drawing makes me laugh to no end... and I had to do a double take on your drawing as either one of two things transpired:
1. Either the image of your experience has been burned into the back of your retinas that the curviness of her "cheeks" were drawn in an instant...
or
2. You spent way too much time getting her cheeks "just right" in which case... is just plain wrong.
This post makes me laugh and it is why I love returning to your blog TIME and TIME again.
Posted by: ben | May 4, 2006 11:43 AM
ben: i didn't stare at her because i wanted to draw her picture. i stared at her because: WHAT?!? was she REALLY wearing that?
also, i TOTALLY spent half an hour drawing her butt lines, and then zooming in and out to make sure that all sizes of the image would be an accurate reflection of what i saw.
I'M THAT OBSESSIVE.
Posted by: jes | May 4, 2006 12:00 PM
and can we all just take a moment to LAUGH at the audacity of the title of this post
First: The use of the word "crack" but to signify not the upper quadrant of butt crack that we normall see but the lower quadrant that should NEVER be seen unless by a proctologist
Second: The use of the phrase "the other white meat" which signifies that Jes is indeed referring to this woman's junk in the trunk as "meat", and then let's take a moment to remember that it is pork that really is the other white meat so now I am equating pork with a woman's butt junk and I think I may have just scratched a meat product from the list of foods I eat without have a scary visual picture pop up in my mind
Posted by: Katie | May 4, 2006 01:19 PM
YEAH TEXASS!!!
Posted by: steve | May 4, 2006 01:52 PM
Oh man, ass cleavage. The worst.
Posted by: Molicious | May 4, 2006 03:22 PM
Same happened to me once at a grocery store. All the bag boys were walking out following this girl in a mini-skirt for some reason. Then the wind blew and we all understood why.
~Jef
Posted by: Thunderfish | May 4, 2006 04:11 PM
Oh just admit it - you wanted to make out with her! :)
Posted by: Karen Rani | May 4, 2006 10:43 PM
Oh god oh god oh god that is just hilarious. The drawing is HILARIOUS. ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL. The rendering! THE ASS.
Posted by: jonniker | May 4, 2006 11:29 PM
I am relieved that you don't, in fact, have a camera phone...and yet, I am laughing hysterically at the image of you trying to take a picture of this woman's crack. How does one go about doing this discreetly? And then there's the issue of laughing-while-trying-not-to-be-obvious as tears are streaming down your face, partly because you're laughing and partly because you're crying because this poor woman is clueless and her ass is waving to strangers in public.
So great. You can't make this stuff up.
Posted by: Nikol | May 5, 2006 08:35 AM
The funny thing is I can totally imagine you whipping out your phone and pretending to send a text message or something to get a picture and then the camera makes that clicking noise, and then the girl and all her friends know you just took a picture of her.
What was she doing buying groceries when she obviously cant afford pants? Maybe she didnt buy pants so she COULD afford groceries?
Posted by: sara | May 8, 2006 02:16 PM