Almost Horrified That My Mother-in-Law is Going to Read That Part About the Stomping and the Slamming
May 11, 2006
When I think back over the last year (since I started taking anti-depressants), I am amazed that it has been so balanced. Yes, sometimes I still try to argue with Roger over why it is perfectly acceptable for me to "cook" english muffins for dinner, four nights in a row. I still have body image issues. I still question myself, and my relationship with God, and whether I'm happy in life, generally.
And I think the answer is yes: I am happy.
Last night marked the first day in over a year that I haven't taken any kind of medication, and it almost felt wrong going to sleep without taking a pill. I almost felt guilty, like I had just lied about eating that entire pint of Ben & Jerry's. For me, it was like a glimpse into the life of a "normal" person - not the guilty-lying feeling, but the part where I related myself to someone whose life wasn't in turmoil, whose heart hadn't collapsed. Someone who is healthy. (Or, perhaps someone just in denial of needing meds, but that's not me. Anymore.)
Today I started taking birth control again, and I only mention that because I know someone will leave a comment asking, "So, you're not taking any meds? Not even birth control?" And then I'll get all irritated and sigh out loud, and then respond, "No, you moron. I'm still taking them. I just didn't take one last night because this is my special week."
In celebration of my accomplishment, I decided to get all melancholy tonight and pull out an old journal from The Time Before The Meds. I kept a journal because it was easier for me to write how I felt in that moment, rather than try to recount it to my counselor a week later, mainly because I'm one of those people that wants you to like me, even at the cost of my own discomfort.
And because I have grown to love my counselor and wish we could go shopping together because she is always dressed so. cute., I didn't want her to think anything was wrong with me. That's why I was paying her $115 a session. So she could hear me say JUST HOW PERFECT I WAS DOING. I was totally saving face, in case she invited me to the mall after our session.
She saw through it in every respect, but knew that I wouldn't be ready to deal with the junk in my trunk until I could AT LEAST admit that life wasn't so great. In an effort to combat my tendency to, you know, LIE to her, I wrote my thoughts in a journal and would read her my entries each week. That allowed me to disconnect and just pretend like I was reading a letter from a friend, except for the part where I would start sputtering and crying and gasping for air anytime I read anything even remotely emotional, which, really, was EVERY ENTRY.
As I was reading some of these entries tonight, I started laughing because OH MY GOSH, I remember writing this and I remember feeling this way and obviously I can identify with it because IT WAS ME, but really? If you read these entries, you would probably want to gag yourself with the kitchen rolling pin just to keep yourself from laughing in my face.
What? You want examples? Okay. I'm willing to give them, but just for YOU, Internet. Because publicly humiliating myself is twenty-eight times better than wanting to die.
Here is an edited list of Reasons Why I Felt Like a Failure, as of February 9, 2005 (the original list was three pages long. I've chosen three sentences, if only to save you the pain of continuously rolling your eyes):
1. I feel like a failure to my church because I don't prefer the pastor's style of teaching.. [Yes! I'm a failure because I like other teaching styles better!]2. I feel like a failure to Roger because I don't cook and clean everyday, and our life is not filled with rowdy, passionate, endless hours of sex. [Hahaha! This one makes me laugh. If this fits ANYONE's profile, please email me the name of your prescription. I do need that one.]
3. I feel like a failure to my hair brush because sometimes I yank my hair and it hurts and then I want to scream obscenities at my hair brush, and sometimes I do, but rather it's a muttering-under-the-breath while the bathroom door is closed. [Yes! I am failing my hair brush. You didn't know it was possible, did you Internet?]
Seriously. I wrote these things. And then I read them to my counselor. OUT LOUD. And then she promptly said, "You're depressed. I'm sending you to a psychiatrist for evaluation and medication."
Just for fun, I'll give you another, which I will call: Total Denial, dated February 13, 2005:
"As Roger and I were going to sleep last night, he asked me why I have been so emotional and depressed. He couldn't think of anything that had "triggered" it - I mean, my hypothetical dog hasn't died, and it also hadn't chewed my favorite pair of Italian leather shoes, so what gives?"When he asked me that, I went from "normal" to irritated within the timeframe it would take anyone else to blink. Maybe quicker. And I thought, "Did he just have the audacity to insinuate that I've been moody? What gives him the right to even suggest such a thing?" And I snapped at him and got out of bed and stomped around some, because that is the mature response that ALL adults should model. And then I cried. Emotional. Ha! I'm not emotional. Damn it. I'll show him emotional."
[And then I'm sure there was more stomping and pouting and crying and general denial on my part, and general misery on Roger's part, and I'm quite positive he was also thinking something along the lines of "Did I marry her? Can I just pinch myself and make it all go away?" And then he probably heard me slamming cabinet doors, just to annoy him. Not that I was being passive-aggressive, or anything.]
Incidentally, in connection with the celebration of No Longer Being on Meds, I am also celebrating The Disappearance of the Dent on My Shin, which I obtained the first month of our marriage (yes! a dent in my shin that remained for TWO years!) during a 3 a.m. argument, wherein I tried to stomp off into the bedroom, but instead stomped off into the pile of garage sale things (our apartment was dark, what with the timing of the argument and all), crashing and falling and breaking a floor lamp in half and injuring my shin with such an unbelievable amount of throbbing and pain that I thought perhaps my leg had been severed mid-calf and that Roger was just being cruel to me by not immediately dialing 911, even though I totally would have deserved it.
Comments
You are brutally honest and I love that about this post. Because we've all been there one way or another Jes. Believe me, we've all been there.
The audience is listening.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 11, 2006 07:19 AM
Wow. I feel like I was reading my life 5 years ago. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
Oh, and I loved "I was totally saving face, in case she invited me to the mall after our session".
Posted by: Nikol | May 11, 2006 07:38 AM
Oh Jes, I love you for all of this, the tough times, the laughter in the middle of it, and the vulnerability to be honest about it, you make me smile just by being you
Posted by: Katie | May 11, 2006 08:47 AM
I am really proud of you for taking this step to get off the meds. I am hoping to see the Jessica I once new a LONG time a go but New and Improved. Trusting her emotions to Christ and letting him lead her life
Posted by: Holly | May 11, 2006 09:00 AM
I love how honest you are - I thought you were perfectly happy and, as awful as this sounds, I find comfort in knowing that such a cool, fun, happy chick has problems just like I do. I guess misery loves company. ;-) No, but seriously, thanks for your honesty.
Posted by: Heidi | May 11, 2006 09:27 AM
Things that stick out in this post are:
Rolling pin?
28 times and not 29?!?
And you were mad at your hairbrush?
Hm.
Love this post, it shows that you are normal. That and that Roger can handle your passive-agressiveness. ;)
Thanks for being transparent Jes.
Posted by: ben | May 11, 2006 11:12 AM
I had a friend who went to a counselor for 3 years before she finally opened up and started telling the truth. So glad you found a way to share what you were going through.
Being mad at the hairbrush is cracking me up.
Yea for Jes!!
Posted by: heather | May 11, 2006 11:31 AM
I love you Babe!
Posted by: Roger | May 11, 2006 11:39 AM
I don't know if you're talking about the same counselor that I'm thinking you are, but, if so. I totally understand about the clothes. She is so very classy. That's the word I think of, and her clothes are so professional. And she's still so fun.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 11, 2006 11:44 AM
JCol! I forgot that you know Kim Humphries! Gah. She's WONDERFUL.
Posted by: jes | May 11, 2006 11:48 AM
I honestly think I'd be a completely didn't person if I had never met her. My life would have been very, very different, that's for sure.
An amazing woman.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 11, 2006 11:56 AM
A completely DIFFERENT person, not a "didn't" person.
Oh my. I need to go to lunch now.
Posted by: AmStaff Mom | May 11, 2006 11:58 AM
That's so awesome that you can look back and read those things and laugh. I think that's a really good sign. Congratulations!
Posted by: my life is brilliant | May 11, 2006 12:03 PM
I remember when I went to counseling wanting to ask how she was doing. Which really isnt the point of counseling.
I was nervous when I stopped taking my pills. I was so afraid that I would end up back in the place (emotionally) I was in before I started taking them. But given that I was no longer in the situation that made me so anxious and depressed that I needed medication in the first place, I shoudnt have worried.
yay for not needing meds anymore!
Posted by: Sara | May 11, 2006 12:29 PM
I think that is great that you are opening up and being so honest. We are all here for you! :)
Posted by: Mel | May 11, 2006 01:15 PM
Hooray for no drugs! (well, the head-kind. we LOOOOOOVE the birth control kind)
Don't forget, tequila is a wonderful healer. If for no other reason than tomorrow morning you will have NO IDEA what you were upset about today. You'll also have no idea why you thought doing seven shots was a good plan, but that's another matter.
Posted by: Irony Queen | May 11, 2006 02:06 PM
See, if you moved to the Bay Area I could give you a giant hug RIGHT NOW! (Or at least after I got off work.)
Thanks for sharing.
:)
Posted by: Courtney | May 11, 2006 02:24 PM
Oh, and it's my special week too! We are SO on the same schedule. Soul sisters, I'm telling ya.
Posted by: Courtney | May 11, 2006 02:25 PM
I love how you called it your "special" week. Hehee. From now on when I'm pissy and moody I won't tell my husband that I'm PMSing, rather I'll tell him that it's my special week and he better back it on up.
I kept a journal during my first year of marriage. Luckily I've since burned it because I could handle the thought of that book getting into the wrong hands. You're a better person than me for putting even one sentence of your journal out there for the whole internets to see. I wouldn't have the marbles.
Posted by: Molicious | May 11, 2006 02:35 PM
Love how the title of the post foreshadows some of the content. Took a few minutes to get the meaning.
It is the greatest thing to see progress or growth. It usually occurs below perception.
Way to go!
Posted by: eric | May 11, 2006 02:39 PM
Oh I've been there. And although I'm laughing at your Depressed Self and your wonderful humor about it, I just want to go back and give you a hug then. Even though I'm sure you would have body-checked me (as I would have) and been all, "You think I NEED A HUG, YOU CONDESCENDING BITCH? HUH? I AM NOT DEPRESSED."
But really, this was awesome.
Posted by: jonniker | May 11, 2006 02:40 PM
It is always good when you can ask yourself if you're happy and answer yes. I hope to be there very soon:)
Posted by: Faith in Florida | May 11, 2006 05:30 PM
Wow. What an honest post. I loved it. It makes me look back when I was your age. I was the same way. Now with time and a lot of things happening to me, I have settled down. Though I wonder if I get on others nerves the way I get on my own nerves.
Posted by: Susan | May 11, 2006 07:05 PM
Hey. Congrats on being med free. How long were you on meds? A year? I have been on meds for six or seven years now. I am at my lowest dosage (with exception of a month when I tried 37.5 mg, which was horrible!) in those six or seven years, which is as low as I can go, but still a victory for me.
I think it's awesome that you have so quickly worked through your depression and issues. Are you still seeing a counselor? I sometimes think about going to see a counselor again, if only to save friends from needing to listen to me blather on and save them some emotional e-mails and such, but I haven't taken the steps just yet.
I feel like we have so much in common. If you ever get the time, e-mail me. I would love to talk more.
Lily B.
Posted by: Lily Bleu | May 11, 2006 09:23 PM
My favorite comment today? The one that occurred exactly twelve hours ago.
Posted by: jes | May 11, 2006 11:39 PM
I love your honesty. I was in the same frame of mind a year ago, though I didn't journal - even on my blog. I can't wait to meet you - you've made me feel as though I'm not alone. Thank you.
Posted by: Karen Rani | May 12, 2006 06:29 AM
I love your take on life, and your perspective. It sounds so silly looking back on it, but I've felt the same way about things, just have never been able to articulate them in the incredibly profound and hilarious way that you do.
Congratulations on being med free!!! Although the birth control skipping could lead to little surprises like I had :) I can't wait until you get pregnant and I get to read your blog and laugh every day because I know I'll love your portrayal of pregnancy! :)
Posted by: girl from florida | May 12, 2006 08:54 AM
I can't wait either (on your being preggo), which is why everytime you say the words "Guess what?" I answer with "YOU'RE PREGNANT" and then it is a little let down when you laugh and say no. But one day you will be and will answer a resounding YES when I ask that question and you will post about it and someone will turn it into a book and then you will make millions and buy a HUGE house with an indoor bowling alley and miniature golf course in CA or OR and have a moose in your backyard
Posted by: Katie | May 12, 2006 09:53 AM
Goodness, if I had kept a journal through some of my really depressed stages, I would be almost scared to read through it!
Posted by: Kristi | May 12, 2006 12:13 PM
After this post I am even more disappointed about missing game night!
Oh. Do you have any left over meds? I am happy now but it was a rough week.
I am at taco cabana off campbell typing this on my bb!! This was a great lunch read!
Posted by: eddo | May 12, 2006 12:36 PM
I have been in exactly the same place: falling apart and then slowly coming alive again and then stopping meds and thinking that the world might end right at that moment and then it doesn't and then reading my journal and wondering how I lived through all that ...
I'm proud of you for succeeding.
And I like english muffins for dinner =)
Posted by: anika | May 12, 2006 03:56 PM
OK. I officially adore you. Here are the reasons why:
-this is my "special week"
too funny
-twenty-eight times better
I would SO say that.
-And then he probably heard me slamming cabinet doors, just to annoy him.
are you, like, ME or something?
I was on anti-d's for 18 months about 8 or 9 years ago. I hated it and I felt like a failure for resorting to it... and I saw a counselor for 6 months... and I realized something: I was trying to be PERFECT at EVERYTHING.
Like you, I didn't want to TELL the therapist something that bothered me, in case she might invite Rob and me over for a BBQ or go to lunch after our session.
Oh my. I just could have written this entire entry. Thank you for sharing. Thank God you are feeling better.
:-)
Posted by: Jayleigh | May 17, 2006 05:45 PM