Chirky

I lost my phone this weekend. I looked all over the place: under the bed, under
the front seat of my car, in the refrigerator (you never know where you might
absent-mindedly put something).

I couldn't find it ANYWHERE. I tried calling it from another phone, but I must
have had it on silent. No ring. Nothing.

I had to go about an hour without it. That typically doesn't bother me, since
I'm not much of a phone-talker anyhow. But it's like a security blanket for me.
What if I get run off the road by a semi-truck driving gang, and then one of
them topples over me and I barely survive by ducking while the top of my car is
torn off? THEN where would I be? Hmmm?

Precisely. I'd be stuck in the desert, among tumbleweeds and rattlesnakes, with
a newly convertible car, semi-trucks roaring against me, and no phone.

I thought about it for a good half an hour, wondering where I could have put it.
I checked under the front seat, in the backseat, and in the area that it
sometimes flies when I turn a corner too quickly and it gets wedged between the
passenger seat and door. Not there. Not in the console. Not under the console.
Nowhere.

When I arrived at my destination, I jumped out of the car and shut the door.
Then I realized that I saw something shiny. It was on the drivers seat, under
the ample cushion of my buttocks the entire time.

I'm not sure whether I should be embarrassed or if I should confirm my ignorance
to the entire world by telling the Internet?

The numb, unfeeling meat of my gluteus maximus! Am I really fat enough to be
losing things in my derriere?! I feel like that woman from that cartoon � was it
The Far Side? � with the small dog wedged in her crack. Poor dog. Poor phone.
Except I'm not as big as her, and the phone wasn't wedged in any crevices on my
body. Thankfully. How much MORE embarrassing would that be if I jumped in the
pool and electrocuted my butt? How would I explain THAT to the doctor? Let
alone, Roger?!?

I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL THE PHONE WHILE I WAS SITTING ON IT. And it's not the smallest phone ever made. What's next...my purse?! A piece of furniture? My
husband?!?

I am so humiliated. The horror! This has happened before with my phone. Perhaps
I should keep an online record of the things that get lost in my bumper...

But then again, no. That sounds horrendously bad.